Dreaming New Dreams

When we first lose someone that we love with all of our heart, we wonder, how will I get through the day, how will I survive.  At that point in time we move one step at a time, one foot in front of the other....step by step.  I was always able to put one foot on the floor and take a step, one by one.  I had no choice, I had Todd and Maddie to think about, no matter how I felt I did manage to get out of bed, get my feet planted on the floor and take a step....what I wanted to do was pull the blankets over my head, curl myself into the fetal position and cry and cry and cry.

Time will  move on no matter how we are feeling.  There are weeks and months that are a blur to me, days of getting up and going through the motions of living.  I know my heart was full of pain, I didn't believe I would ever lose the pain.  It is terrifying to believe you will always feel pain, that you will not move beyond the paralyzing fear you have.  One day you wake up and your first thought isn't dread and sadness.  The slow healing begins.  How long will it take, there is no answer, it is different for everyone and that is OK.

I have come to realize that letting go of grief takes strength, it is what has to happen.  I don't want to be sad and filled with grief the rest of my life.  I want to live the remainder of my life, I want to laugh, sing, dance, love......Steve of all people would want that.

It seems that moving on is harder than stagnating in grief.  I have repeated over and over that moving on does not mean you have forgotten, it simply means that you have found the strength to remember, to understand that you aren't betraying your loved one but rather honoring them, honoring their life.

So I dream new dreams these days.   I have fought hard, I have stood strong, The past is gone, it is only in my memory, in Jason, Rebecca, Todd and Madolyn's memory.  In Jeff and Chris's memory...we all move forward living and honoring a memory.  I remember the debilitating pain, the staggering sadness but I don't feel it now, for that I am thankful.

Steve was a presence, he was a person of character, a person of strength....I learned from him and because of all that I let go and I move on.  I hold him in my heart, I honor him, I will always have the memories.

Pretty sure Steve is stirring up the great beyond!

Day 114 of 365.
Dream New Dreams.....K

Steve Was Right

Today I am posting Steve's Eulogy, read at the Memorial Service by his and my dear friend Nancy and written by her wonderful husband Michael, once upon a time not liked by Steve, eventually grudgingly accepted and finally a friend :)  He summed the life Steve lived up very well and I thank him.

"Steve was right......and he saw his role in the Universe to let you know he was right.  It was one of his most infuriating traits.  But it was also one of the most important ones for us.

There are a lot of people in this world who try to convince you they are right.  They try to define the world for you, they try to get you to agree with them - mainly because they want something from you.  That was NOT Steve.

Steve told you he was right, not because he wanted something from you, but because he wanted you to see something in yourself.  He challenged your assumptions about the world, about people, about things.  He wanted you to see that there was something different than what you thought.  He wanted you to see something better in the world, in your view of it, something better in yourself.

Steve was right.  Oh, you may have disagreed with his logic.  You may have disagreed with the details of whatever argument he pushed you into  And at the time you may have even angrily defended your point of view.  But when you walked away, when you calmed down, you saw it.  You saw something new.

You saw a different view of the world.

While most of us were tilting at windmills, Steve was tilting the Universe.

Steve was right.  He was right to make us think in a different way.  He was right to make us all see something new about ourselves, something exciting about life.  It's a gift that is rare and valuable.  It's a gift of those who get us to move beyond our assumptions, who get us to take off the dark glasses that block the view of a new horizon.  It's the gift of those who get us to move beyond the things that hold us back.  It's the gift of great teachers.

Steve was right.  And if you listened to him, you found yourself doing something you would never believed you could do.  Sometimes it was plum loco crazy.  Sometimes it got you in so much trouble your pants would catch fire.  And it usually ended up with a raging headache.

Bit it was also more fun than you thought you could ever, ever have.

Steve was right.  And he persevered in being right.  His being right was a force of nature, and he'd badger you with it.  He kept at you until you saw he was right.  Like the way he constantly tinkered with his motorcycle, persevering at showing even Harley Davidson he was right.

He persevered in his view of the world.  And in that perseverance, he taught us something else.  He taught us that being right doesn't mean things will be easy.  It doesn't mean that if you're rolling along on a clear smooth road, that something won't slam into you out of the blue and knock you off your ride, kick you into the worst thing that could ever happen to you.  He didn't mean that the Universe wouldn't try to kill you when you came around the next curve.

But it did mean that you persevered.  That you held on, that whatever the Cosmos threw at you, you could make it.  That no matter how long it took, you could get back up, get back on the bike, and keep going.  Steve was right.  He showed us how to look beyond ourselves.  He showed us how to persevere.


There is a small tribe in Africa, who lives in a small village on a broad Savannah  nestled in a valley near rolling hills covered with long grasses.  They spend their lives tending their cows, planting and harvesting their crops, raising their children.

When one of their tribe passes away, the entire village gathers, and begins to walk slowly around the person's hut, singing a quiet song of mourning.  They seal the door of the hut so that nobody can see inside - so that they don't look at things, but only focus on the memories they have of their friend and neighbor.

After a time the mourning song stops.  It's then that the tribe begins to dance and sing as loud as they can.  It's a song of joy and happiness, animated and full of life, echoing through the air and around the countryside.  It's then that they throw open the door of the hut, lift their friend on their shoulders and carry him high into the hills that look out over long grasses, the valley, the village and everybody in it.

And it's there that they place their dear friend, on a high platform, open to the sun and the sky, looking down on the world and the life that flows there.

And then they all peacefully walk back down the hill, back to their lives, back to a new day.

The anthropologist who first witnessed this tribal  ritual, said he sat for hours trying to figure out how he would write it out in his journal.  After a long time he wrote just two lines:  "how kind of them.  How kind of them all."

Today we are here as members of Steve's tribe.  We will mourn for him for a while.  But soon we will remember what a gift he was to us.  That's when we will begin to sing and dance.  That's when we will begin to celebrate the life that was his, and all that he brought to us.

That's when we will carry him up, high into a place where we know he can see us.  a place where when we look up, we will remember Steve, and wave to him, and let him know that we're doing just fine.  And that we thank him for being right all along, and for persevering to show us something better in our world, our lives, and ourselves."

Steve on our last trip to visit Michael and Nancy.  He was very sick, but he persevered and had a good time.  Steve WAS Right!.

Recently a friend commented on something I said by saying she remembered Steve's Eulogy, Steve Was Right.....
I could not remember the sense of what Michael wrote, the day is a blur of unreality for me.  I asked Michael to send me a copy.   Thank you Michael!

Day 109 of 365.
Persevere ........K

Things and Stuff

I have met many wonderful new friends because Steve died.  Each of these friends lost a spouse, all struggling to come to terms with their loss.  There is no end to grief, it always lingers in our lives.  It becomes easier and familiar but is there nonetheless.  Dealing with each nuance of our grief is a continuing challenge.  

Decisions about the personal belongings of our loved one is never easy.  Certain belongings come to be significant.  Letting the item go can be traumatic.  I learned that letting an item go can be OK if the circumstances are right.  One of my friends is struggling with selling her husbands prized Corvette.  I suggested that selling it to someone that would love it and use it would please her husband.  About 3 1/2 years ago I made a decision based on necessity to sell a motorcycle that was mine; but in the last year of Steve's life became his.  I finally reconciled this when a woman contacted me to buy it.  I felt in my heart that Steve would like that I sold it to a woman.  I was one of a handful of women who rode back in the 80's, he was proud of me for riding.  I knew selling the bike to her would work and it did.  I've never felt guilty about selling such a big part of Steve's life.

I have seen complete extremes in people regarding a loved ones belongings.  One person immediately wants all reminders gone, others prefer to hold onto many items, and still others keep it all.  What is the right way to handle this?  There is no right or wrong.  You do what you have to do to get through the endless days of sadness.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve, you just put one foot in front of the other and move Day by Day and Minute by Minute.

I've traveled so far these past 5 1/2 years, I've met many wonderful new friends, I learned to pick up my life and move forward.  It has been a hard lesson but I've managed.  I have a long list of people I counted on to hold me up....none of them let me down.  I consider myself blessed to know them and blessed to have had Steve in my life.  He is gone but never forgotten.  Through losing Steve I have gained and that is what I look at now

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."  ~From a headstone in Ireland~


"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."  ~Kahlil Gibran~

Day 108 of 365.
Keep memories in your heart.....K

The Gloomy Place

Feeling deflated is a feeling I despise.  When the wind leaves your sails, when your balloon bursts, when the air is knocked from your lungs, when the life is sucked from your soul.  Do you know the feeling?  I do.  I prefer to feel happiness, to choose joy, but every now and then something happens to knock me down.  It can be something of no real consequence, yet it completely takes the life out of me. 

Emptiness and apathy....I fight them, but I do not always win..  I do and will always win ultimately, that is my nature.  I am an optimist most of the time, I find the bright side,  I choose joy.  I sometimes allow emptiness and apathy to rule, I want to feel the depths, I want to, so I can feel the soar of happiness, the feeling of pure joy.  Without darkness we cannot know the beauty of the light.

I have lost enough to know that life is short, that life is to be lived, lived fully, each minute, of each hour, of each day but sometimes shutting down is necessary, right?  Do you agree?
This is sometimes where we all must go....a gloomy place.  It can be a healing place......I have found this to be true.  A place to lick  wounds, to scream at fate, to feel the pain.  I don't want to dwell on pain and sadness, but I know that it is necessary.

I spoke with a woman yesterday, she lost her husband of many years a few months ago.  She reminded me of how I looked 5 years ago, I hope I showed her there is hope, that life will be OK again, that the pain will end.......I hope she saw this and knows.  The pain is so raw,  Tragic and sad things do and will happen to us, where we land is our choice.

I've landed and I'm happy again.  Being happy again does not mean I've forgotten, I have not, it simply means that I have chosen to live while I can.

Day 95 of 365.
Feel Everything.....K

Finding Peace

Finding peace in the midst of chaos.  Possible?  It has taken me a very long time to realize that peace has always been within me.  I thought being alone, or controlling the swirling chaos around me would bring peace.   It never seemed to work and I would wonder why.

Sitting alone in solitude with constant thoughts and worries did not attain peace for me.  I tried and tried, thinking peace would be mine very soon, not so.  I envy those who recognized the key to peace in their younger years.

I sat among my family, children laughing, adults out-shouting one another, laughter, loud and raucous. I suddenly realized my heart was at ease, my mind was happy....I felt peaceful.  Silly me, I thought.  Peace has always been mine, just a thought away.  This was such a revelation, so unbelievable but true.  Such an amazing and momentous time.  Quiet solitude does not bring peace, peace  is simply a feeling from within.

Peace has always been within my grasp, just a thought away.  I will keep this thought always, I will not let this go, it is far too important.  I am learning to let go of thoughts that serve no purpose.  Does this mean I am always peaceful?  Not at all....it means I know that peace comes from within, peace is not solitude.  I know that I can have peace, I can

Day 94 of 365
Find Your Peace.......K

The Dimming of the Day

Our passed loved ones are with us....they find ways to show us they are here.  My brother, Dave has had suggested videos pop-up over the past few days, both of David Gilmour, my dad resembled him.  One suggested song was "The Dimming of the Day".  He starts off saying "this song has nothing whatsoever to do with me but I like it".  I believe it's a sign, as does David.  How I miss our Papa Bear.....lost from us so very many years.  First mentally and finally physically.

Our lives begin, we live, our lives slow down, our lives end......or do they?  The ultimate question, what next?
I was with my stepmother, Helen and my husband Steve when they took their last breath....they were both peaceful, not struggling, not scared.  I believe they were already in a place they wanted, a place of beauty, a place of peace, a place of no pain.

The Dimming of our Days is a mystery, the ultimate, not to be solved mystery.  As time passes and I grow older I finally recognize mortality, I know physical life will end but I also know that there is more, so much more for us.  I am in no hurry, I love life and will live each magical, mysterious day to the fullest but I know when my days do ultimately dim I will be peaceful, I will see so many familiar  and loved faces.  The clouds will part and there will be beauty beyond.

Day 87 of 365.

See the Magic in each new day......K

Choosing Happiness

It seems that life is a series of curve balls.  As you stand at your home plate are you ready for the curve ball or only for the perfect pitch?  I have swung at and missed many curves....Each has taught me something; patience, strength, flexibility, honesty, empathy, sympathy, compassion, but mostly I've learned to live each day, each minute.  I don't want to wish my life away....it is human nature to wish for the good times, "I can't wait for the weekend", "If I can just get through this week", "tomorrow".....a series of skipping your minutes.  

I have not lived a charmed life, it has taken me a long time to realize it doesn't matter, what does matter is what I have done with my life.  Am I happy?  Am I where I want to be?  I am happy and I am where I am and that is fine.  I have few regrets, I like that.

If we get all that we want, are we happier?  Looking at the lives of the rich and famous we see that having everything does not equal happiness.  Happiness comes from within......seeing my grandson pucker his little lips for a good-bye kiss as I put on my coat, my daughter texts me a sad face when I say I don't feel like walking, hearing my youngest daughter call me 'mamacita', having my son care so much that I might be disappointed in him, my granddaughter says "I love my grammy"....these are reasons for happiness, real happiness.  Happiness is the way my heart feels at these moments and I am grateful for each of these moments.  Walking on a quiet country road hand in hand with the sun shining......moments in time, happy single moments adding up to happiness. 

I think how on cold or snowy winter days people complain longing for the summer and then complaining on hot, humid July days.  Is  it not better to see the beauty after a snowfall?  

I will try to look at each day for what it is, a day of life, a day of possibility.  

Day 85 of 365
Choose Happiness.....