In Three Words

Loss is devastating, loss is heart breaking, loss is gut kicking, loss is pain beyond anything you've felt.  I would choose any physical pain over the anguished pain of loss.  Loss creates physical pain, it creates false thoughts, it creates anger, it creates bitterness.....eventually, the physical pain, false thoughts, anger and bitterness give way to unreality and eventually reality.  A reality that no matter how much you want your loved one back you cannot do anything, absolutely nothing to change this reality and now a feeling of hopelessness and helplessness.  It is a long and winding road of pain and loneliness BUT it, life, goes on.  

One day you remember your loved one and your heart doesn't hurt.  You laugh and realize you are not faking a laugh or smile.  You wake up without a feeling of heaviness, you fall asleep without crying yourself to sleep.  It happens so gradually you may not notice but it does happen.  I know this first hand and I know it because I've seen in happen in others.  It is a miracle of life, a true miracle.  

We all know that the darkest times of our lives fall within the darkest hours of the day; however the sun will always rise and life will always go on.  There will be pitfalls, there will be fears that rear their ugly heads, there will be times when these fears will cause you to make mistakes.  I hope that the mistakes I make, the people I try to push away will realize that it is fear that causes this seemingly erratic behavior.

I remember thinking as the 1 year anniversary of a loss approached that I would suddenly be just fine.  That is the mind helping us cope.  There is no epiphany, there are no hallelujahs from above....there is just another day of moving forward in pain and grief. 

The most important thing I have learned is to put one foot in front of the other, to go forward, to let the bad days have their way, to remember that 'even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise'.  

I have found happiness, I have tried to sabotage my happiness.....I am thankful for the kind and wonderful person who tries to understand and forgives.

My life moves on and I continue to struggle, but as the saying goes "you've come a long way baby".  

Day 59 of 365.

Life Goes On......K

Sabotage

Is it possible that a fear of being too happy causes us to create reasons to be unhappy?  I have come to a conclusion that this is possible and that I have, in fact, done just that on more than one occasion.  Why would a rational person do this.?  It certainly does not make sense.

I asked a friend last night why someone, me, would sabotage happiness.  My friend, always full of wisdom, or "accumulated experience", said that anyone having lost a significant person(s) might fear permanence or feel that during happy events a sense that something will go wrong pervades, that the other shoe will drop. These feelings may cause one to sabotage happiness.  

Though this makes absolutely no sense in the rational mind, it happens.

I know that I have sabotaged my happiness a few times.  I would think that recognizing this would prevent it, it does not.

I am fortunate that I recognized my foolishness in time to prevent creating a huge hole and fresh sadness in my life.

I sometimes believe I should be alone, isolated to preserve my heart and allow it to heal completely.
At what cost I asked myself?  Will being alone, with an aching, healing heart be best?  I have learned that I am happy alone and that is good, but sharing a life with someone is so much more rewarding.  I am thankful that I have come far enough in my journey to rectify and prevent a mistake I would regret.

I am blessed with friends and family I can depend on.  I am blessed, really and truly blessed.  I will work hard to accept the happiness I receive and not destroy it.  Life is short, life is to live, not exist.  I will remember this in dark times.....

                                                           

"Whatever we are waiting for - peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance - it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart."
~~Sarah Ban Breathnach~~

I will accept new happiness with an open and grateful heart.  I will look at the here and now.  I pray that my heart heals and remains whole.  I must trust and live without sabotaging my happiness and hurting those who trust in me.

Day 58 of 365.

Live Fully.....K

 

Waiting Out the Storm

Sometimes I am overcome with sadness.  No reason, no warning, just great sadness.  I feel sad about everything.  It is harder to deal with this overwhelming sadness as happiness is more often in my life .  I don't understand....I find that if I wait it out it passes but sometimes I do stupid things in the midst of it.  I should avoid doing that but don't always.  I lash out or make decisions I shouldn't make. I should know better.

I sometimes read what I've written and think I sound like Little Miss Sunshine, sometimes I am but sometimes I am not.

I feel dark at times, darker than I would think possible.  Why, I wonder, nothing is different.  It is simply a state of mind.  It will pass.  I felt it starting last night.  It may have been the end of our trip looming but I don't think so.  It is bigger than that, it feels darker than that.  Foreboding.  I don't like how it feels.

I can't put a finger on what is wrong, I lash out it all directions.  I cry, and shake my head wondering what is wrong.  Perhaps tomorrow I will wake up and the feeling will be gone or not.

Not much else to say this day.  I will go celebrate my wonderful Rebecca's birthday.  I hope the dark, foreboding feelings leave.

Day 56 of 365.
Wait out the Storm.....K

Raindrops From Heaven

As I scanned Facebook this morning it was filled with posts about our departed loved ones.   Raindrops as kisses from heaven, I like that thought.  I like to believe that it is true.... it is a comforting.  A physical reminder of loss and love.  I like to believe that my grandparents, my dad, my mom, my stepmother, Steve and his parents and all my family in heaven are sending me kisses from heaven.  It is soothing, it is happy and I like that.  

The pieces of our lives, the pieces of ourselves received from our loved ones are important.  The reminders of the lives they led, we keep them with us through these pieces.  I miss my dad, I miss my mom, I miss my grandparents and I miss Steve.  Loss is butt kicking, gut wrenching pain, it sucks the life out of your body for a time but eventually we do go beyond it, we don't forget the pain, we keep it as a reminder to live our lives to the best of our ability.  We cleanse our soul with our tears, we scream and shake our fist at God and ask 'why me?'.   God's answer is why NOT you.       Once you reach that realization you lose the anger,  well that is when I lost it.I am no more and no less than any other person.

Each of the people I've lost has impacted my life in so many ways.  I have my Gram McGivern's strength I have her jawline and her very large calves....haha, true I'm afraid.  She was a force to be reckoned with, a person to live up to, a person whose admiration was important to me.    Steve taught me to live each day, one at a time, Steve taught me to have fun.  I lost the ability to have fun at some point in my young years, I am thankful to have that back.  My dad's sense of humor was the best, he was so silly sometimes, he taught me that being silly was OK   He had a twinkle in his eye and a story in his heart.  My mom and I had a difficult relationship.  We didn't have a typical mother/daughter relationship.  She was gone for many years.  That is a sad memory but what I have learned is that my mom did her best and she loved me and my brothers.  She was a good person and I love her. My stepmother was a kind person.  She married a man with 4 teenagers.  She was gentle and loving.  I am not a part of her genetically but she left lasting memories and impressions with me.  I learned humility and courage from her.    I am thankful for the mothering she gave my brothers and I.   I am who I am because of these people.

I will never forget them, each special in their way.  I hold the pieces of them in my heart and memory.  As long as they are remembered they live on.

Day 51 of 365.
Remember.......K

My Dad

My dad, John Joseph McGivern was born on February 22nd, his birthday is right around the corner and he's on my mind.  We lost my dad when he was in his early 50's to dementia, we then lost him again on May 29th 2012 at age 81.  There were many years to mourn our loss; however he was physically with us, I didn't realize the significance of the physical being at that time.  There is a certain reassurance in seeing the physical.  I didn't expect that to be so since I'd mourned for 30 years.  He was a resident in the nursing home I work in, I could see him anytime I wanted to.  I remember walking into work after he was gone.....I did not expect the feelings I had.  The feeling of loss was profound, so much more than I expected.

My dad was a good guy, an only child, his own worst enemy.  He kept my 3 brothers and I together when our mom left and some thought foster care was an answer.  My dad and my Gram McGivern did not want that and we were kept together.  I will always be thankful for that.

 My dad had a sense of humor and loved shenanigans.  My oldest son Jason, told me stories of his 'papa' making footprints outside around the swingset and then telling Jason and my nephew Jeff that leprechauns were around.  Jason & Jeff searched and searched but only papa saw them.  Jason and Jeff are the only 2 of the grandchildren who remember my dad.  I am so glad they have memories of him to pass on.  My dad used to cook once in a while, he'd make a concoction of leftover ham or corned beef with cabbage, potatoes and carrots in a fry pan....he called it "yabadabadoo".  My dad was strict but we knew he loved us.  When he made me mad I'd "run away" and hide, listening as he'd frantically call me.  I regret that, now knowing how awful that was.  Dad had names for everyone.....I was Captain Kangaroo Katy, Dave was Davy Crockett, Mike was Mickey Mouse and Frank was Frankie Jimbo.  He had nicknames for everyone, I don't remember all of them though.

My love of the NY Giants came from my dad.  Every Sunday the kids sat with dad, the boys in there Giants jerseys and helmets......

The last family event my dad attended was my wedding to Steve in September 1989, he was showing signs of problems, acting very strangely.  We had an inkling of worse things to come and they did.

My dad was handsome, he was funny, he loved his kids, he worked hard his whole life....he made mistakes, he was not perfect but he was our dad and we loved him.

RIP peace dad, soar now that you are unencumbered of your earthly chains.  Your kiddos, Kathi Mary, John David, Michael Edward and Francis James love you, always have, always will.

Day 49 of 365.
Enjoy this day.....K

Reinventing

Change means reinvention. Each time a major event happens in our lives—leaving a job or a relationship, moving, losing a loved one—we have to take control of who we will become or risk never reaching our full potential.

Change is difficult, change is frightening, change is uneasy, but change can be made, it can be made. I do know this.

When faced with change, no matter the reason, we must first look inward.  Looking inward isn't always easy.  Perhaps we don't like what we see.  Major life events are an opportunity to become a better person, to become the person we were meant to be.  I do not believe we can reinvent ourselves before we recognize and accept our grief and the reason for our grief.  Grieving doesn't only happen when we lose a loved one to death, it occurs when we divorce, lose a relationship, lose a job, our children growing up and leaving, an injury that limits us....all create grief.  All create an opportunity.

Recognizing the feelings for what they are may be the most difficult as it is not always obvious.

A 5 1/2 year reinvention has been a part of my life since Steve died.  The process was halted or crippled at times as I lost other significant people in my life.  The reinvention is still in process but I can feel it, I can see it, I am living it.  

“Our sorrows and wounds are healed only when we touch them with compassion.” ~Buddha~

My sorrows and wounds are healed, newly scarred but healed.  I have recognized and accepted my wounds, I have faced my sorrow, I have made peace with my loss.  I have traveled a dark, lonely road but there was always a tiny glimmer, now that glimmer is more, much more.  I count myself as blessed; I have a large and loving family and a circle of kind, compassionate friends.  I have been told by several of my nieces that they aspire to be like me...that is an honor, high praise.  I have never been so honored.  

“I have done my best. That is all the philosophy of living one needs.” ~Lin-yutang

I HAVE done my best, I know this.  My philosophy on life has changed since October 9, 2007.  I don't always live up to this philosophy but I aspire to it every day, I don't forget it.  

“If pleasures are greatest in anticipation, just remember that this is also true of troubles.” ~Elbert Hubbard

I surround myself with people I love, people I admire, people who are good.  I shy away from toxic people, that is easier said than done but I try.  I have learned that the best thing we can do is to give, to care, to love and empower others.  I open my mind to change, I open my mind to the ideas of others.  I don't have to agree with others but I listen and I accept their belief.

I have entered kinder and gentler times.  I like it here.  I don't forget, I simply move on.....remembering. I don't regret.....I remember the good and the bad.  I grow from this remembering.

Day 46 or 365.

Be kind to yourself......K

Heart, Heartbreak, Heartache & Love

In honor of Valentine's Day I am thinking about the heart and all it is and all it means in our lives.

The heart is an amazing organ.  In it's physical realm it is necessary for life, it must beat for life to be sustained.  We must take care of our heart, live a healthy life, exercise, eat right, don't smoke....the heart beats on.

What of the emotional heart?  How does the emotional heart tie into the physical heart?  Can we die of "heartbreak"?  Can the heart hurt from emotion?  My answer is yes.....I haven't physically experienced dying of heartbreak but I have had my heart broken.  I have felt the physical pain of heartache.  I've written before that it is a real, tangible feeling.  I cannot explain it but I remember when I first felt it.....my heart physically hurt.  

We can let our departed loved ones live on in our heart, we can be called heartless, we can give our heart to another, both physically and emotionally.  Our heart has the capacity to "run" our body and to love our parents, our significant others, our children, our grandchildren.  Our heart can swell with pride.....were you ever so proud that you thought your heart would burst?  When I speak of my children and grandchildren and their accomplishments I think mine will.  Can we hold love for a departed spouse in our heart and love another new person in our life?  Is it a delicate balance or is there truly room?  I believe there is room, so much more than we imagine.  

I hold love in my heart for so many, Mary Murray McGivern, Gladys Eclar Rescott, John Albert Rescott, John D. McGivern (I never even met my grandfather, but hearing what a wonderful man he was and knowing he is part of me creates love in my heart), Lois Eleanor Rescott (McGivern), Helen Whitaker McGivern, John Joseph McGivern, Stephen Edward Whitmarsh, Barbara Whitmarsh, Edward Whitmarsh.....good, fine people all.  Gone but living on in my heart...our hearts can hold so much love if we allow it.  Allowing love into our heart can lead to heartbreak, this is a fact, but not loving can also lead to heartbreak from loneliness.  Deciding which heartbreak you prefer is a choice.  I prefer to love and experience heartbreak which will lead to having someone remain in my heart forever.

Nurture your heart, physically and emotionally.  Seek love, share kindness...open your heart no matter the potential for hurt.  The heart is strong and can hold a lot of love, a lot of memories, a lot of heartache, a lot of heartbreak.....an amazing organ.

Gram, Grampa McGivern, Nene, Poppy, Mom, Mimi, Dad, Barb, Ed, Steve....you are all forever in my heart, you are all a part of my past and my future, I love you all, always will.

Day 45 of 365.
Open your heart.....K

Ed

Our family has struggled with considerable loss since 2007 beginning with Steve's death in October 2007, his mom, Barbara followed 7 months later in 2008.  I have never witnessed a mother up close losing a child.  It was unbelievably sad, my loss was horrible but losing your child has to be worse, I don't want to know.  Barbara was not the same after Steve died and it was heartbreaking to watch.  Two very difficult losses for this McGivern/Whitmarsh family. We did have a reprieve from 2008 until 2011 when we lost my mom during Hurricane Irene, followed closely by my dad in 2012.   

Now today's story, Ed....son, brother, husband, father, father-in-law, grandfather and friend.  Ed was a great guy.  He was smart, full of life and kind.  He always had a great story for anyone who would listen.  I loved his stories, he made them come to life.  He had a zest for life, just like Steve.  He enjoyed what he was doing, when he was doing it.  He was a good man and we loved him.

Ed had 3 sons, Steve, Chris & Jeff, the 3 Stooges if you ask me!   When I was pregnant for Todd, Ed didn't want to know if he'd have a grandson or granddaughter.  We all knew it was a boy, but Ed so wanted a baby granddaughter....after all he had raised 3 wild and crazy boys.  He wanted a sweet, little girl....sugar and spice and everything nice.  Along came Todd...Ed was thrilled and so happy to be a Grandpa.  Of course, he did get his sugar and spice a few years later, enter Madolyn.  

Here they are, Ed's grandchildren.  They miss him, as do I.

 

Ed was a commander in the U.S. Coast Guard, later a teacher, eventually a school administrator.  He had great stories and good rapport with kids.  He was understanding and kind, not afraid to discipline, not afraid to side with the kids.

He was a healthy 80 year old when tragedy struck and we lost him very unexpectedly this past July.  A whole generation now gone.....My parents, Steve's parents, all gone.

So much loss at a young age for Todd and Maddie.  They are doing well, mostly, but do struggle from time to time.  How can you lose your dad and all 4 grandparents and not struggle with anger at your circumstances and understanding life.

I hope that I will be a bright and happy memory someday for my children and grandchildren.  I keep that in mind always.  My kids, Jason, Rebecca, Todd and Madolyn, and I have learned that nothing is forever, that we have to live each day as best we can, make time count.

Ed was important, Ed was kind, Ed was gentle, Ed was loving, he is a Good Memory, always in our hearts.

Day 44 of 365.

Make Memories......K

The Legacy

Steve lives on in his children, this is a given; however leaving a legacy for friends and family is a truly blessed way to live on.  Steve had a passion for life, a passion for fun, a passion for skiing.....he would have loved to ski more than he did, live as a ski bum traveling from mountain to mountain.  He skied the eastern mountains and he skied the western mountains.  He left behind a love of skiing in Todd and Maddie as well as our neighbors, particularly John Murphy.  I think John shares Steve's passion for skiing.  John Murphy proclaimed that he would carry on Steve's legacy with his children and Steve's children by taking them all skiing.  Now, of course, all of the 'children' can go ski by themselves but John still packs his van with skiers and equipment and sets out for the mountain....Steve goes in spirit.  Skiing will always be Steve with our families, Todd, Maddie & the Murphys.

Erin and Maddie posing for the camera, I believe John must have taken the picture.  When I think of White Face Mountain, Gore Mountain or West Mountain, I think of Steve.  I love that his love of skiing lives on, I hope that it will live on beyond the immediate group.  I hope that someday The Murphy's grandchildren will know that Steve Whitmarsh was the essesnce of skiing.

Serenity is what I think of when I look at these pictures Maddie took from the top of Gore Mountain.  Steve would be so proud to know that Maddie now skies black diamonds with ease, she wasn't quite there when she skied with her dad.  Steve worried about Todd's adventurous skiing.....daredevil.   I am personally very happy I cannot see my children racing down a black diamond trail....it would most likely give me heart palpitations but I do love that they ski.

 Steve wanted me to ski from day we met in November 1986, I resisted until March 2003.  As most of you know that did not go well and I have not skied since.  We were on a ski weekend in Lake Placid with the Murphy Clan....when I suffered a "sports injury at White Face" or in correct terms, I had a slow motion fall on the bunny slope at White Face....and what an injury it was, torn ACL.  

Forever and always Steve and going skiing will be linked.  It makes me happy and gives me joy.  I hope it does the same for Todd, Maddie, John, Sarah, Christopher, Erin & Jane.

Steve was very particular about ski clothing and equipment.....he used to lay Todd & Maddie's clothing out on the dining room floor, Todd's to the right of the dining room table and Maddie's to the left.  Until last year I continued this...that is not necessary now but Todd & Maddie remember.

Our departed loved ones do live on in us, in our hearts, in our souls, in our memories.....a legacy is something special to leave and Steve did this.  When look at these beautiful pictures Maddie took yesterday I know that Steve is in them and I know he was there yesterday with Maddie, Erin & John.

Day 42 of 365.

Live, love, inspire......K

Where is the Up Button?

Which way is up?  An interesting question that depends on perspective.  I haven't written in a few days because I have been down.  I want to write things that are positive and hopeful but that is not always the way.  Many factors come into play to create a "downness".  My birthday falls on the 1st day of the month that is always difficult for me as once the 1st passes it's February, the sad month, the dark month.   I sail past the 1st, I do love my birth day, it is special, it is why I'm here.  I always celebrate and never bemoan my age....I am 59 which means I am alive.  Many have not reached 59 so for that I am thankful.

  I am sick, I don't do sick well, who does, right?  Perhaps some do....being home sick and alone is sad to me.  We all have to do it from time to time but it is nonetheless sad.  I seek light and happiness always.  I do not want dark and sadness, I search, even in the darkness I have searched.  I do find light and happiness and try to dwell there, it does not always happen though.  Even in happiness there is a sadness.  There is no perfect, is there?

My trip for the past 5+ years has been a search for up.  I think once April arrives with crocuses peeping out of the snow and a freshness in the air I will find up, but will I?  I am not the Pollyanna I seem to be but I believe it is better to act positive when you feel negative, it helps everyone around me and I suppose it helps me too.

I am by nature optimistic.....that is good, I go toward the light, I find the light, I lose the light, I find it again.  I know this about myself.  Life knocks me down, I get up, I do not roll over and play dead, I get up, over & over.  I sound a bit pathetic here, perhaps I am but only for a while.

I wonder, should I post this?  It shows inner struggle, inner conflict, inner turmoil.  Should this be shown?  I am human.  I fear more loss in my life, it is inevitable though, the only solution is losing me, that is not a good solution.  So face it.....yes, each day I face it and most days I win.

So what if today is sad, I will be happy tomorrow or the next day.  I have so much to be thankful for.....and I am.

Day 39 of 365.
Allow sadness, briefly....K

Crossroads

I am watching my beautiful baby girl struggle with her grief.  This is, at times, harder than my own grief.  Moms want to fix things and make it OK for our babies.  I cannot fix Maddie's grief.  She has to go through it, on her own.  This is a sad and difficult reality.

I am not going to write about Maddie's feelings, they are hers and hers alone.  It is for her to write about, think about and to feel.  I am writing only about how difficult it is to see her suffer.

Maddie is at a difficult time of life, the time for leaving childhood behind and moving into the adult world.  It is exciting and scary, when you add the losses she has suffered at a young age this exciting time can become overwhelming.  Fear of being left behind, fear of losing more pieces of your life are hard to reconcile, to put in perspective.

I do know my girl will make it, she is strong, she is resilient, she is Maddie....unique, smart, hardworking, beautiful.  She will do what she wants and succeed.  I know this.....I also know that getting there will not be easy.  

The sneaky thing about grief is that it creeps back whenever there is an opening, when you least expect it.  We cannot prevent it, we cannot catch it.  I've said before, grief will have it's way with us.....

This was our last family photo, taken at the Riverbanks Zoo in S.C., our last family vacation, June 2007.  How my babies have grown, how much Steve has missed.....I wish I could make the harsh reality easier, but I cannot, so I stand on the sidelines doing what I can.  I have to preserve the headway I've made, I cannot let myself slip back into the darkness ...... this is a fine line that I must walk with Maddie. 

Steve was a great dad...this is a fact.  He loved Todd and Maddie more than anything in this world.  He will stay with Todd & Maddie forever.

Day 35 of 365.

I wish you Strength & Courage.....K

I love you baby girl....

Birth Days

Today, the day of my birth, I remember my mom, Lois Eleanor and my dad, John Joseph, for without them this day of my birth would not exist.  

I work  in a nursing home, I see the grown children of elderly parents crying as they lose them....devoted children, in their 50's, 60's, 70's, mourning the loss of their elder.  I remember thinking that their parents were elderly and were dying in the right order of life.  I didn't understand the great sadness they felt.  I do now....here on this day of my birth I cry for my lost mom, August 28, 2011 age 81 and my lost dad, May 29, 2012 age 81.....I am an orphan.  Yes, not only young children are orphans.....who do we want when we are sick?  Who do we want to call with family news....Mom and/or Dad. 

I have 3 brothers, John David, Michael Edward & Francis James. with birth days thanks to Lois and John (Jack).  We carry on for our parents as our children will for us.  The circle of life.....we are born, we live, we die.  It is that simple and at the same time so very complex.  

 On this day of my birth I honor my mom and my dad.  No matter the relationship you have had with your parents, no matter their age when you lose them, they are responsible for your birth, they are responsible for the day you celebrate your birth.

Happy Birth Day Mom and Dad with love your daughter, Kathi Mary.

"We never know the love of a parent till we become parents ourselves." ~~Henry Ward Beecher~~

Day 32 of 365.

Hug your mom and dad while you can......K