The Darkest Hour

The darkest hour was 5:25 p.m. on October 9, 2007.  This was a day and time that I thought I would never rise from, I thought I'd be in that moment forever, waiting, watching, wanting another breath to come.  It did not, and I did eventually rise.

There were several false risings.....I thought, I've made it, I'm here, life will be happy again but I wasn't truly there yet.  I don't know whether those false risings or the initial plunge to darkness was harder.  I still don't know, but in the end it doesn't really matter.  Grief has it's way with us, we rise, we fall, we laugh, we cry but we slowly, steadily rise.

Grief of my own, grief of my children....all so hard.  I wish I could could take the sadness from my children.  I don't want them to feel loss, darkness, sadness, not now, they are so young.  It pains me to see their struggles.  Dare I say that it is harder watching them than it is feeling it myself.

I know that the darkness of grief can be triggered so easily.  Breaking up with a boy/girlfriend, a friend moving away......this can feel so much worse after you've seen the "darkest night" of your life.  It will reawaken the feelings, the sense of loss, the missing of someone.....it makes a smaller loss feel bigger than it would if you had not been through the "darkest night".

I struggle with letting my feelings flow, I want to hold back, after all if I am encased in a layer of safety I cannot ever have another dark time.  I ask though, is this a way to live?  I struggle each day with this.  The bottom line is I fear having my heart broken.  I have traveled a long, lonely road and struggle each day with opening my heart ...... opening my heart means I can face another "darkest night" but then I realize that without loving, there isn't a purpose

I see my sweet baby girl, Maddie struggle.  I see my big, handsome baby boy, Todd struggle.  I cannot take it from them, I can only be there.  I realize their struggles hurt my heart.  I know that what I feel or have felt they too feel and that makes me so very sad.

 I will stand by and be here.  I will fight the fears, love is important and when we find it we must run with it.  We cannot stagnate in life. The Sun IS Rising and I know that "even the darkest night will end  and the sun will rise again.

We had Steve in our lives, he left us too soon but we must let the sun rise again or what is the point?  We had our time with Steve, not long enough but we had what we had, we were a family but we are moving forward Day By Day.....We remember Steve, we remember the time we had....we are a family still.....the picture has changed but we remember......always.

Day 31 of 365.

Let your sun rise.....K

Going On

I believe this.  There have, as I have previously written, been "winks" from Steve.  I know he watches over all of us.  

Steve loved our property, we had an exceptionally large lot for Niskayuna.  The back part had a lot of trees and brush, Steve referred to it as the "back 40", the kids referred to it as "the jungle".  It was nice having the space.  Steve loved it back there, he "hung out" and he took care of it, kept it manageable.  When he died, it became too much for me.  There was no life insurance when Steve died and many bills.....hindsight is a wonderful thing!  I got the idea to look into subdividing my property and selling the back portion.  It was a very long and frustrating process.....I needed to get my finances in order and selling that parcel was the answer.  Two years into the process it wasn't looking good, one set back after the other.  I stood on my deck and said, "Steve, I know you love the "back 40" but I need to do this, I don't have the time to keep it up and I have many, many bills to pay.  Please help me with this and stop making the road so bumpy."  Guess what??  He did help me....within the week, the problems fell away and the closing date was set.  It was a turning point for me.  There is now a house behind me, a young family......that is perfect.

I kept the motorcycle for a while after Steve died.  I thought maybe I'd ride again.  I never felt that I wanted to.  I put my Harley Dynaglide on Craig's List.  I got a few calls from guys, that fell through, but then a woman called......Steve agreed to let that go through.  He liked that I rode a Harley and he liked that my motorcycle went to Georgine.  Thanks Steve.

Am I giving credit where none is due??  No, I am not.  Steve was a presence to be reckoned with, he liked it his way, I stood up to him on many occasions and he would ease back.  He gave me a hard time until I let my feelings be known.  He was a good guy, a difficult guy, but I knew he'd always be there for me.  He still is.  He wants me to move on, to life life as he did, fully and happily so I do.

Life goes on but our loved ones are with us.  In our hearts, in our thoughts, but beyond that they watch over us.  I believe, not because I want to but because I know.

Day 30 of 365.

Believe......K

Blessings

Day by day, step by step.....that is how to get through the worst possible days.  I did this and still do.  I learned it is not only the way to live through grief but through life.  There is no guarantee of tomorrow so take life one step at a time, enjoy each step.....good or bad.

I remember the dawning spring after the long, dark, sad and lonely winter.  Awakening from a bad dream, wondering how to keep going.  Weekends at my son, Jason's was the answer.  Every single weekend that first spring and summer.

My grandchildren were young enough not to know the sadness of our loss, they were salvation to me....Demi, Mathias, Mary and Stella were life, happiness, healing.  They gave me hope, they gave me innocence, they gave me love.....I knew there were reasons to go on.

Weekends were happy again.  Seeing these faces were the world to me.....my heart felt happy.

Demi, Mathias, Mary & Stella......

We can find what we need to travel the lonely road through grief.....we just have to look beyond our sorrow. I found my hope in these sweet faces and for that I am so very thankful.

I have been blessed, day by day and step by step.

Day 29 of 365.
Count your blessings.....K

Jason, Rebecca, Todd and Madolyn

When Steve died I had two children grieving for a dad gone far too soon.  Todd was beginning his freshman year and Maddie was in 7th grade.  These are difficult ages without adding your dad dying in the midst of teen angst.  Interestingly and in hindsight, thankfully, Todd and Maddie grieved on different time schedules.  I was already feeling depleted and lost but had 2 children that needed me....that was in some ways good and in some ways so much more difficult.  I also had 2 adult children grieving the loss of Steve very differently, you see Jason was 10 when he met Steve and Rebecca was 7 so to them he was an important piece of their life.  

 Jason has told me that Steve was like a second dad to him and he felt he was a combination of his dad and Steve.  Jason loved Steve, Jason mourned the loss of Steve and worries about me still.  He is a caring and kind man.  He was someone I knew I could call in my darkest hour, he'd cry with me, but could have me laughing in no time.  He was affected deeply and I believe the way he lives changed because of the loss.

 Rebecca and Steve had a complicated relationship once she became a teen.  Steve was not equipped to deal with teenage girl drama.  There were many difficulties over the years but I know they loved each other.  Becky's grief was made more difficult because of her unresolved conflict with Steve.  In the end Steve saw more clearly the error of his ways with Becky and tried to make amends.   It breaks my heart when she talks of her conflicted feelings and I know that the road through her grief has been difficult.

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 Todd lost his dad one month into his freshman year of high school.  Todd is a very smart young man but has always struggled with the structure of school.  The year after losing Steve was lost for Todd.  He became depressed and scared me more than I could bear.  I left my own grief on hold to try to help him.  I could not grieve when my son was in so much distress.  It was an uphill battle, but he won it.  He began dating Liz in the middle of 10th grade and that I believe was a turning point.  They remain together....I believe she was a life preserver for Todd.  I remain thankful for Liz in our lives.
 Jason became an adult male role model for Todd.....I think this helped Todd immensely but also gave Jason a purpose and a role.

Madolyn was initially OK after her dad died.  She had moments but carried on.  That worried me but at the time I had too much on my plate and was thankful.  Maddie misses her dad...he gave the best hugs she says.  She plans to major in psychology in college because of the losses she has suffered at such a young age.  One of the saddest moments she thinks about is her wedding day.  Madolyn has amazing strength, she will find her way, of this I am sure.

My intent isn't to delve into the psyche of each of my children but rather to show that grief impacts each of us and how we each grieve is compounded and changed by the grief of others around us.  

Having my children to take care of was both a blessing and a curse in the grieving process...neither outweighing the other.  It is simply the way it was.

Jason, Rebecca, Todd and Madolyn....each unique, each special, each impacted by a loss, each changed by this loss and each a blessing in my life.

Day 26 of 365.

Joy & Peace.....K

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

Our tendency in the death of a loved one is to make that person perfect, forget their flaws and only remember the good.  I remember when Steve died I would talk about him, typically the good, the funny, the best side but often said "he wasn't perfect, he had his faults but I'd happily take it all back...the good, the bad and the ugly".  That is true today as well as years ago.

 Again today I will look at a different perspective of losing a loved one.  I loved Steve, I disliked some things about him, he was human after all and I choose to remember the whole Steve.

Steve was always late.  The kids and I would be in the car almost every time we were going somewhere, we'd wait, we'd toot the horn, we'd wait and finally along came Steve.  Most car rides started with "why can't you be on time?".  

Steve preferred that everyone had an interest in his interests.  He typically tried to get those around him to become involved in his loves.....skiing and motorcycling are two examples.  He tried to get me skiing almost from the day we met, I am rather independent and resisted for 16 years until I was 49....that is when I decided to give it a try.  That did not go well, I fell the second time we skied and tore my ACL which ended my skiing career.  I am proud that I resisted all those years....if you knew Steve well you'll understand my pride, he was not easy to stand up to.  He was persuasive, but not in a nagging way, just good at getting what he wanted.  

Now motorcycling is another story, I did learn to ride.  He said he didn't want to cart me around on the back of his bike all the time, but as was typical, he made it sound nice.  I am happy I learned to ride, I loved it.  There is a freedom and a sense of one with the universe.  We were riding buddies and I liked that.  I haven't ridden since Steve died, I sold my Harley and have left that part of my life behind.  I have had the urge now and again but it was 'our' thing and I have no desire to ride without Steve.  

Steve was a bit egocentric.  He wanted the lives of everyone in his life to revolve around him.....and it did.

Before we got married Steve would bring me flowers home from his trips to NYC.....after we got married he stopped.  In an argument I brought that up, he said "they die, it's a waste of money".  I shot back that I like them......he may have gotten me flowers a time or two after that but not very often.

He was very opinionated and rarely changed his opinion.  He often tried to force his opinion on others....I caved, many times but not always.   He was not easy to stand up to, but I did sometimes and I like that.

We had our tough times, it wasn't all smooth sailing and there was a time I didn't know if we'd make it or not, we did and I'm glad we did.  

I remember everything I didn't like about Steve, it made him Steve and that is what I want to remember.  I don't want to remember falsely.  He was human and that is what I want to remember....The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.

I remember Steve as he was......Saint Stephen???  NOT, but I loved him, flaws and all.

Day 25 of 365.

Be Strong......K

Growth.....One Step at a Time

Journal entry January 21, 2007.....

"I think of you all the time.  I haven't made an entry in a few weeks, I just haven't felt up to writing.  Kind of sad to not feel up to writing!  Maddie went skiing with her friends today, you would have loved seeing that.  We continue our treks to West Mountain on Sundays for ski lessons.  It's OK but a big piece of the picture is missing.....you are missed, you are in all of our thoughts.....Me, Todd, Maddie, John, Sarah, Christopher, Erin and Jane.  You were the essence of West Mtn. for all of us....because of you they all ski!"

"I want you here with us.  I wish it constantly, the reality is so harsh, sometimes I feel defeated by it. I remember, you made me feel safe, I knew I could always count on you, you made me laugh, you loved me, you made everything fun, you took up so much space, you were the best dad ever and you were my best friend....I love you, I miss you every second of every day."

"I wonder if or when I'll feel balanced again.  My world is tilted at a scary angle.  I feel hollow, robotic.  Never fear I'm getting it done but it is all being done on auto-pilot.  Life is fuzzy, days are long, I cannot figure out how I will get through life without you.  Can I??  I just don't know."

Fast Forward Five Years.....January 23, 2013......

I still think of you all the time.  I stopped writing in my journal a long time ago.  I now feel like writing.    Ski lessons at West Mountain are long over, both Todd and Maddie are excellent skiers.  You will always be the essence of West Mountain.

I still want you here with us, it is not always on my mind though.  The reality is not harsh, it is real but I have accepted it.  I am not defeated.....I am safe, I do laugh, I knew you loved me, I do have fun again, I've filled the space you took up with family and friends, you will always be the best dad, you were my best friend and I still love you, always will, I still miss you, always will.

I am balanced, my world has righted itself, I am not hollow or robotic, I'm not on auto-pilot, life is no longer fuzzy, days are sometimes long but that's normal, I have figured out how to go on.

You see 5+ years later, I am whole.  I have survived.  Was it easy?  Absolutely, positively not but it was doable and I did it.

Day 23 of 365.
Seek & Grow.....K

Decisions

If you learned today that you had less than a year left in this life, what would you do?  Of course. this is nearly impossible to answer, it is difficult to know....we can guess but we truly don't know.  I don't know if Steve had been asked this question if his answer would have shadowed his real behavior.  What I do know is that I learned a lot from Steve.  He died the way he lived....one day at a time and in the minute.

Steve did not waste time feeling sorry for himself, he made every day, hour, minute and second count. He took the worst possible news, digested it with courage and then moved forward.  He asked questions, he weighed his options, he chose not to be a medical guinea pig,  I found myself wondering at times if he had heard Dr. Frank, did he understand he wouldn't get better??  I worried that he was deluding himself....he wasn't.  He knew the score but he didn't let it interfere with a single minute of his time.  HE decided what he would do with each and every minute he was given.

In June 2007, we took a family vacation to South Carolina to visit Michael & Nancy, we knew it would be our last time.  We followed Steve's lead, no one acted as if this would be our last trip together.
 
We had fun.....Steve at this point wasn't feeling well much of the time, he was using very high doses of pain medication, cancer in your bones is very painful, but he wanted to go, we went, he wanted to make the time count, we made the time count.....

I like to think I would be like Steve and would choose to live each day, I truly don't know though.  What I do know is that I admire his courage, his will, his love of life, his strength.   I do know that I learned from him in life and also in his death.  

Steve died as he lived.....on his own terms.  Way to go Steve.....

Day 22 of 365.

Decide ..K

So Sad You Are Missing Out

I have a hard time thinking about the things Steve is missing.....does it matter once you are gone?  Do you have an awareness of what you have missed?  Does it bother me so much because I am here and involved....is it guilt that causes this feeling?

I watch my beautiful Maddie preparing to attend the Military Ball last night with her friend from Christian Brothers Academy.  Would Steve mind missing this?  Would he care?  I care that he is missing this, Maddie cares that he isn't here.   We go to the house for pictures all the moms and dads are there taking pictures, it's always me and my kids at all these events.  I am so thankful to be there but so sad Steve isn't.  I like to believe he is watching over us.

Todd graduated from high school in 2011, Todd has attended his prom and senior gala.....Steve would have been proud seeing Todd on stage at Proctor's receiving his diploma.

I know Steve would have loved teaching the kids to drive.  He was always calm when teaching Jason & Becky.  I was always nervous, the kids said I made them nervous :)  He would have been calm.  Now Todd and Maddie have their licenses and it's everyday business....Steve would have liked that.

Maddie will graduate in June, she has gone to her junior prom, now the Military Ball and later her senior gala.  Maddie will be going away to college, no family road trip to take her to college for Steve.

These events are just the tip of the iceberg....college graduations, first "real" jobs, weddings, family vacations, grandchildren.....When Steve died we had 3 grandchildren, now that has grown to 7.  Only 3 of my beloved sweeties even knew Grampa Steve....each year the reality of his physical presence dwindles a little more, so we the keepers of his legacy must carry on for those who never knew him or barely remember him.

This is our last family photo taken at the Riverbanks Zoo in South Carolina, June 2007.....seems so very long ago.  How Todd & Maddie have changed.....how time has marched on, how we have gone on.  Always remembering, always missing, always loving.

Day 21 of 365
Carry on.....K

Losing Steve and Losing Steve Again

As I wrote yesterday our family's loss did not begin on October 9, 2007 when Steve left us, our loss began on July 21, 2003.  Steve never saw the accident coming and had no recollection of any events of that day.  We pieced it all together through an eyewitness.  Steve was very badly injured and was in Albany Medical Center for 6 weeks, he then went to Sunnyview for head trauma rehabilitation.  He was there for 3 weeks and then home.  It was terrifying having him home after all that time with a brain injury.

While in AMCH the neurosurgeons came to Steve's room in SICU every morning to evaluate his status.  Each day he survived his chances increased they told me but they also said that they couldn't predict how it would be as a result of the head injury, it could be "as simple as a personality change".  What????  Simple....personality change....that's NOT simple, that is huge!

I am sorry to say that Steve's personality was different.  He was not the man I married, nor was he the dad Todd and Maddie had known since birth.  He was no longer very social, he had a considerably shorter fuse....he was quite different.

We lost Steve, the old Steve and we grieved.  We did, of course learn to love "new" Steve.  His emotions were not controlled well, barely at first.  Much improved over the months, in fact if you didn't know Steve well you would have thought he was completely mended.....he was not, he was New Steve.

Enter 2005, March to be exact.  A sore throat that wouldn't go away.  Several rounds of antibiotics didn't work.  It was JUST a sore throat.  Finally a specialist, MRI's, biopsies and the diagnosis.  Cancer at the base of his tongue, far below where we can see, rather large.  Now rounds of preparation for the harsh, aggressive radiation.  A feeding tube, special dental care.....a mesh mask molded to his upper torso and head, bolted to a table so tightly the mesh marked his face, twice a day for six weeks, very precise targeted area.  Eventually, salivary glands are destroyed, no saliva, burns worse than the doctor and nurse had ever seen on his neck.  Torture every day.....finally finished and for 6 weeks before the PET scan we thought he was "cured".  As you know that was not meant to be.  Metastasis to his lungs and cervical spine.  Devastation......6 months at best.  The world spun out of control.

The doctor told me first, he knew Steve.  I was with Steve when Dr. Frank told him the news.....Steve's questions:  "are you sure?" and "how long do I have left?".

He underwent palliative chemotherapy which gave him more time.  Steve lived for 17 months from his initial diagnosis.  I say LIVED in the truest sense of the word.  He went on like he had forever.  He lived 6 months beyond the best prognosis.  He lived each and every day.

So you see.....we grieved the Steve we had known and learned to love him and then we lost him, lost his mortal being but his soul lives on in the hearts of many...me, Todd, Maddie, Becky, Jason, his brothers, Jeff and Chris and many friends and family members.

I was so very angry for a time.....why was he spared in the accident only to lose his life to cancer?  Why was my dad left to live a life trapped in a useless body for 15 years and Steve died in his prime?? Why indeed......the question is why not!

So we lost Steve and lost him again.  Adversity in life, it's everywhere.  I've gone through it all...shock, anger, pity, loneliness, sadness, despair, eventually acceptance and finally clarity and happiness is mine.

I believe Steve was spared in the accident to give him more time with his family, he was unable to work due to his head injury and he became full time dad.

I have learned grief well.....starting in 1986 with my stepmother, Helen, a kind and gentle soul, 1989 my beloved Gram McGivern, 2007 our Steve, 2011 my mom and 2012 my dad.  There were others too, in 2008 my mother-in-law Barb and 3 months after my dad, Steve's dad Ed.  I loved every one of these people, I grieve their loss.....does the grief become easier?  No, it does not, but I do know we can heal, eventually heal and that is how it goes in life.  Some loss is by far worse than others, there is a loss I hope to never know.....I will not even say the words.  I have had enough, I've been tested, I've been stretched beyond where I thought I could go and pray that is all for me, for a long time.

Day 18 of 365.
Rock on......K

You've Got a Friend...

My journey through grief did not start on October 9, 2007 when Steve left us.  The real journey began 7/21/2003 when Steve was involved in a very serious motorcycle accident in which he sustained, among other things a TBI - traumatic brain injury.  That is another story.  This story is not about the accident but about friendship and people we can count on.

Within 24 hours of notifying Nancy of Steve's accident she was on her way here from South Carolina, she dropped her life and came.  She came to help in whatever way she could.  Todd and Maddie were 10 and 7 when the accident occurred.  Steve was very, very seriously injured and lucky to have survived and was in Albany Medical Center's SICU.  Todd and Maddie spent the first week after the accident with their second family, the Murphy's at Silver Bay.  Nancy got me.  She spent her time at the hospital with me and her nights helping me settle down and relax.  Nancy ran interference for me with phone calls.  She updated everyone on progress or lack of progress...saving me countless repetitions.  She laughed with me, told me stories, cried with me, kept my chin up and gave me strength.  We did some insane things, as only stress and alcohol can create. Tough times but what got me through was knowing I had friends I could count on.  Nancy stayed for 2 weeks and only left when she knew I could take it.  A routine had been established and I was on autopilot.  

Times were tough but I count myself as blessed.  I have friends who come through, always come through.  Nancy came into my life through Steve....I am blessed to have met her, a gift from Steve.  I don't know what I would have done without her support and care.  Nancy came through again when Steve died....she was here within 24 hours again and went to make the funeral preparations with me.  A daunting task, not to be done alone.  A sad task, planning a final good bye, made easier through friendship.  It was a strange feeling of not wanting to let go of Steve's mortal remains.  Nancy again intercepted the many calls and updated everyone on the "plans".  

I hope that I can someday be that friend to someone.  I have learned so much along my road.....I have known love and kindness in a dark world.  That love and kindness was my beacon, my salvation.

I thank you my dear friend and you know I LOVE YOU MAAAANNNNN !!

"When you're down and troubled                                 

And you need a helping hand
And nothing, nothing is going right
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest night"

.....because I've got a friend.

Day 17 of 365

Seek & Give ..... K