Growth.....One Step at a Time

Journal entry January 21, 2007.....

"I think of you all the time.  I haven't made an entry in a few weeks, I just haven't felt up to writing.  Kind of sad to not feel up to writing!  Maddie went skiing with her friends today, you would have loved seeing that.  We continue our treks to West Mountain on Sundays for ski lessons.  It's OK but a big piece of the picture is missing.....you are missed, you are in all of our thoughts.....Me, Todd, Maddie, John, Sarah, Christopher, Erin and Jane.  You were the essence of West Mtn. for all of us....because of you they all ski!"

"I want you here with us.  I wish it constantly, the reality is so harsh, sometimes I feel defeated by it. I remember, you made me feel safe, I knew I could always count on you, you made me laugh, you loved me, you made everything fun, you took up so much space, you were the best dad ever and you were my best friend....I love you, I miss you every second of every day."

"I wonder if or when I'll feel balanced again.  My world is tilted at a scary angle.  I feel hollow, robotic.  Never fear I'm getting it done but it is all being done on auto-pilot.  Life is fuzzy, days are long, I cannot figure out how I will get through life without you.  Can I??  I just don't know."

Fast Forward Five Years.....January 23, 2013......

I still think of you all the time.  I stopped writing in my journal a long time ago.  I now feel like writing.    Ski lessons at West Mountain are long over, both Todd and Maddie are excellent skiers.  You will always be the essence of West Mountain.

I still want you here with us, it is not always on my mind though.  The reality is not harsh, it is real but I have accepted it.  I am not defeated.....I am safe, I do laugh, I knew you loved me, I do have fun again, I've filled the space you took up with family and friends, you will always be the best dad, you were my best friend and I still love you, always will, I still miss you, always will.

I am balanced, my world has righted itself, I am not hollow or robotic, I'm not on auto-pilot, life is no longer fuzzy, days are sometimes long but that's normal, I have figured out how to go on.

You see 5+ years later, I am whole.  I have survived.  Was it easy?  Absolutely, positively not but it was doable and I did it.

Day 23 of 365.
Seek & Grow.....K