I never truly believed Steve would die, even in his final days in a hospital bed in our living room with Hospice visiting several times each day....not even then did I think it would really happen. I talked the talk and I believed I was ready. I was NOT ready. I am blessed to have been allowed to be with Steve in his final hours. Hospice tells us in their booklet that those nearing death sometimes see the "other side", they want to unencumber themselves of earthly things and they will have a last hoorah. I read this, Steve did this and yet I did not believe, I did not think he'd go.
Of course, he did go. I am eternally grateful that I spent his final hours with him. I sat as he inhaled then exhaled. I watched his chest.....the final exhalation and I watched, I waited for the next inhalation. It never came. I waited, it never came. I now believed. The enormity of that final breath not yet felt.
I still review his final day in my mind, perhaps that sounds odd or creepy, but it gives me peace. He was at peace, he didn't struggle; I knew he was going to be OK.
So when did I truly realize the significance of Steve in my heart and soul? When the services were over, when family and friends went back to their lives, as they must, that ism when I realized. It is the little things that are the most significant. The phone call I made every day on my way home from work...."hey Steve, I'm on my way home". What a shock on that first day back to work....I actually picked up my phone to call, then cried. A few days later I tried calling my kids...."hey Todd/Maddie I'm on my way home". Uh OK mom, bye. I cried. Such a simple piece of my life....gone. I'm not going to detail all of the significant ways losing Steve has made...suffice to say there were many and I did visit the places in my heart and soul that he inhabited.
We take so much in our lives for granted, I don't do that anymore. I know that each day with our loved ones is a gift. I make note of the little things, these the most important things. How my Maddie lights up when she has conquered Calculus on a test, the way Todd holds a pencil when he draws, the way Becky lapses into a jig for no reason, the way Jason sends a text out of blue 'love you mom'. Such little things, but so very significant. If I were never to see one of these again I know I could revisit them in my heart and soul.
Look at the way someone smiles, their hands, their mannerisms....so significant when we cannot see it anymore, but so everyday in day to day life.
I try each day to realize the significance of everyone in my life....I am blessed with beautiful and loving children, delightful grandchildren (the biggest gift in our later years), the most wonderful friends I could imagine, a job I love.....
What you have in your life is beautiful....let them know, notice the small, seemingly insignificant things. I promise you they are not insignificant, they are everything.
Days 12 & 13 of 365
Be aware.....K
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