The Darkest Hour

The darkest hour was 5:25 p.m. on October 9, 2007.  This was a day and time that I thought I would never rise from, I thought I'd be in that moment forever, waiting, watching, wanting another breath to come.  It did not, and I did eventually rise.

There were several false risings.....I thought, I've made it, I'm here, life will be happy again but I wasn't truly there yet.  I don't know whether those false risings or the initial plunge to darkness was harder.  I still don't know, but in the end it doesn't really matter.  Grief has it's way with us, we rise, we fall, we laugh, we cry but we slowly, steadily rise.

Grief of my own, grief of my children....all so hard.  I wish I could could take the sadness from my children.  I don't want them to feel loss, darkness, sadness, not now, they are so young.  It pains me to see their struggles.  Dare I say that it is harder watching them than it is feeling it myself.

I know that the darkness of grief can be triggered so easily.  Breaking up with a boy/girlfriend, a friend moving away......this can feel so much worse after you've seen the "darkest night" of your life.  It will reawaken the feelings, the sense of loss, the missing of someone.....it makes a smaller loss feel bigger than it would if you had not been through the "darkest night".

I struggle with letting my feelings flow, I want to hold back, after all if I am encased in a layer of safety I cannot ever have another dark time.  I ask though, is this a way to live?  I struggle each day with this.  The bottom line is I fear having my heart broken.  I have traveled a long, lonely road and struggle each day with opening my heart ...... opening my heart means I can face another "darkest night" but then I realize that without loving, there isn't a purpose

I see my sweet baby girl, Maddie struggle.  I see my big, handsome baby boy, Todd struggle.  I cannot take it from them, I can only be there.  I realize their struggles hurt my heart.  I know that what I feel or have felt they too feel and that makes me so very sad.

 I will stand by and be here.  I will fight the fears, love is important and when we find it we must run with it.  We cannot stagnate in life. The Sun IS Rising and I know that "even the darkest night will end  and the sun will rise again.

We had Steve in our lives, he left us too soon but we must let the sun rise again or what is the point?  We had our time with Steve, not long enough but we had what we had, we were a family but we are moving forward Day By Day.....We remember Steve, we remember the time we had....we are a family still.....the picture has changed but we remember......always.

Day 31 of 365.

Let your sun rise.....K