Losing Steve and Losing Steve Again

As I wrote yesterday our family's loss did not begin on October 9, 2007 when Steve left us, our loss began on July 21, 2003.  Steve never saw the accident coming and had no recollection of any events of that day.  We pieced it all together through an eyewitness.  Steve was very badly injured and was in Albany Medical Center for 6 weeks, he then went to Sunnyview for head trauma rehabilitation.  He was there for 3 weeks and then home.  It was terrifying having him home after all that time with a brain injury.

While in AMCH the neurosurgeons came to Steve's room in SICU every morning to evaluate his status.  Each day he survived his chances increased they told me but they also said that they couldn't predict how it would be as a result of the head injury, it could be "as simple as a personality change".  What????  Simple....personality change....that's NOT simple, that is huge!

I am sorry to say that Steve's personality was different.  He was not the man I married, nor was he the dad Todd and Maddie had known since birth.  He was no longer very social, he had a considerably shorter fuse....he was quite different.

We lost Steve, the old Steve and we grieved.  We did, of course learn to love "new" Steve.  His emotions were not controlled well, barely at first.  Much improved over the months, in fact if you didn't know Steve well you would have thought he was completely mended.....he was not, he was New Steve.

Enter 2005, March to be exact.  A sore throat that wouldn't go away.  Several rounds of antibiotics didn't work.  It was JUST a sore throat.  Finally a specialist, MRI's, biopsies and the diagnosis.  Cancer at the base of his tongue, far below where we can see, rather large.  Now rounds of preparation for the harsh, aggressive radiation.  A feeding tube, special dental care.....a mesh mask molded to his upper torso and head, bolted to a table so tightly the mesh marked his face, twice a day for six weeks, very precise targeted area.  Eventually, salivary glands are destroyed, no saliva, burns worse than the doctor and nurse had ever seen on his neck.  Torture every day.....finally finished and for 6 weeks before the PET scan we thought he was "cured".  As you know that was not meant to be.  Metastasis to his lungs and cervical spine.  Devastation......6 months at best.  The world spun out of control.

The doctor told me first, he knew Steve.  I was with Steve when Dr. Frank told him the news.....Steve's questions:  "are you sure?" and "how long do I have left?".

He underwent palliative chemotherapy which gave him more time.  Steve lived for 17 months from his initial diagnosis.  I say LIVED in the truest sense of the word.  He went on like he had forever.  He lived 6 months beyond the best prognosis.  He lived each and every day.

So you see.....we grieved the Steve we had known and learned to love him and then we lost him, lost his mortal being but his soul lives on in the hearts of many...me, Todd, Maddie, Becky, Jason, his brothers, Jeff and Chris and many friends and family members.

I was so very angry for a time.....why was he spared in the accident only to lose his life to cancer?  Why was my dad left to live a life trapped in a useless body for 15 years and Steve died in his prime?? Why indeed......the question is why not!

So we lost Steve and lost him again.  Adversity in life, it's everywhere.  I've gone through it all...shock, anger, pity, loneliness, sadness, despair, eventually acceptance and finally clarity and happiness is mine.

I believe Steve was spared in the accident to give him more time with his family, he was unable to work due to his head injury and he became full time dad.

I have learned grief well.....starting in 1986 with my stepmother, Helen, a kind and gentle soul, 1989 my beloved Gram McGivern, 2007 our Steve, 2011 my mom and 2012 my dad.  There were others too, in 2008 my mother-in-law Barb and 3 months after my dad, Steve's dad Ed.  I loved every one of these people, I grieve their loss.....does the grief become easier?  No, it does not, but I do know we can heal, eventually heal and that is how it goes in life.  Some loss is by far worse than others, there is a loss I hope to never know.....I will not even say the words.  I have had enough, I've been tested, I've been stretched beyond where I thought I could go and pray that is all for me, for a long time.

Day 18 of 365.
Rock on......K