Dreaming New Dreams

When we first lose someone that we love with all of our heart, we wonder, how will I get through the day, how will I survive.  At that point in time we move one step at a time, one foot in front of the other....step by step.  I was always able to put one foot on the floor and take a step, one by one.  I had no choice, I had Todd and Maddie to think about, no matter how I felt I did manage to get out of bed, get my feet planted on the floor and take a step....what I wanted to do was pull the blankets over my head, curl myself into the fetal position and cry and cry and cry.

Time will  move on no matter how we are feeling.  There are weeks and months that are a blur to me, days of getting up and going through the motions of living.  I know my heart was full of pain, I didn't believe I would ever lose the pain.  It is terrifying to believe you will always feel pain, that you will not move beyond the paralyzing fear you have.  One day you wake up and your first thought isn't dread and sadness.  The slow healing begins.  How long will it take, there is no answer, it is different for everyone and that is OK.

I have come to realize that letting go of grief takes strength, it is what has to happen.  I don't want to be sad and filled with grief the rest of my life.  I want to live the remainder of my life, I want to laugh, sing, dance, love......Steve of all people would want that.

It seems that moving on is harder than stagnating in grief.  I have repeated over and over that moving on does not mean you have forgotten, it simply means that you have found the strength to remember, to understand that you aren't betraying your loved one but rather honoring them, honoring their life.

So I dream new dreams these days.   I have fought hard, I have stood strong, The past is gone, it is only in my memory, in Jason, Rebecca, Todd and Madolyn's memory.  In Jeff and Chris's memory...we all move forward living and honoring a memory.  I remember the debilitating pain, the staggering sadness but I don't feel it now, for that I am thankful.

Steve was a presence, he was a person of character, a person of strength....I learned from him and because of all that I let go and I move on.  I hold him in my heart, I honor him, I will always have the memories.

Pretty sure Steve is stirring up the great beyond!

Day 114 of 365.
Dream New Dreams.....K

Steve Was Right

Today I am posting Steve's Eulogy, read at the Memorial Service by his and my dear friend Nancy and written by her wonderful husband Michael, once upon a time not liked by Steve, eventually grudgingly accepted and finally a friend :)  He summed the life Steve lived up very well and I thank him.

"Steve was right......and he saw his role in the Universe to let you know he was right.  It was one of his most infuriating traits.  But it was also one of the most important ones for us.

There are a lot of people in this world who try to convince you they are right.  They try to define the world for you, they try to get you to agree with them - mainly because they want something from you.  That was NOT Steve.

Steve told you he was right, not because he wanted something from you, but because he wanted you to see something in yourself.  He challenged your assumptions about the world, about people, about things.  He wanted you to see that there was something different than what you thought.  He wanted you to see something better in the world, in your view of it, something better in yourself.

Steve was right.  Oh, you may have disagreed with his logic.  You may have disagreed with the details of whatever argument he pushed you into  And at the time you may have even angrily defended your point of view.  But when you walked away, when you calmed down, you saw it.  You saw something new.

You saw a different view of the world.

While most of us were tilting at windmills, Steve was tilting the Universe.

Steve was right.  He was right to make us think in a different way.  He was right to make us all see something new about ourselves, something exciting about life.  It's a gift that is rare and valuable.  It's a gift of those who get us to move beyond our assumptions, who get us to take off the dark glasses that block the view of a new horizon.  It's the gift of those who get us to move beyond the things that hold us back.  It's the gift of great teachers.

Steve was right.  And if you listened to him, you found yourself doing something you would never believed you could do.  Sometimes it was plum loco crazy.  Sometimes it got you in so much trouble your pants would catch fire.  And it usually ended up with a raging headache.

Bit it was also more fun than you thought you could ever, ever have.

Steve was right.  And he persevered in being right.  His being right was a force of nature, and he'd badger you with it.  He kept at you until you saw he was right.  Like the way he constantly tinkered with his motorcycle, persevering at showing even Harley Davidson he was right.

He persevered in his view of the world.  And in that perseverance, he taught us something else.  He taught us that being right doesn't mean things will be easy.  It doesn't mean that if you're rolling along on a clear smooth road, that something won't slam into you out of the blue and knock you off your ride, kick you into the worst thing that could ever happen to you.  He didn't mean that the Universe wouldn't try to kill you when you came around the next curve.

But it did mean that you persevered.  That you held on, that whatever the Cosmos threw at you, you could make it.  That no matter how long it took, you could get back up, get back on the bike, and keep going.  Steve was right.  He showed us how to look beyond ourselves.  He showed us how to persevere.


There is a small tribe in Africa, who lives in a small village on a broad Savannah  nestled in a valley near rolling hills covered with long grasses.  They spend their lives tending their cows, planting and harvesting their crops, raising their children.

When one of their tribe passes away, the entire village gathers, and begins to walk slowly around the person's hut, singing a quiet song of mourning.  They seal the door of the hut so that nobody can see inside - so that they don't look at things, but only focus on the memories they have of their friend and neighbor.

After a time the mourning song stops.  It's then that the tribe begins to dance and sing as loud as they can.  It's a song of joy and happiness, animated and full of life, echoing through the air and around the countryside.  It's then that they throw open the door of the hut, lift their friend on their shoulders and carry him high into the hills that look out over long grasses, the valley, the village and everybody in it.

And it's there that they place their dear friend, on a high platform, open to the sun and the sky, looking down on the world and the life that flows there.

And then they all peacefully walk back down the hill, back to their lives, back to a new day.

The anthropologist who first witnessed this tribal  ritual, said he sat for hours trying to figure out how he would write it out in his journal.  After a long time he wrote just two lines:  "how kind of them.  How kind of them all."

Today we are here as members of Steve's tribe.  We will mourn for him for a while.  But soon we will remember what a gift he was to us.  That's when we will begin to sing and dance.  That's when we will begin to celebrate the life that was his, and all that he brought to us.

That's when we will carry him up, high into a place where we know he can see us.  a place where when we look up, we will remember Steve, and wave to him, and let him know that we're doing just fine.  And that we thank him for being right all along, and for persevering to show us something better in our world, our lives, and ourselves."

Steve on our last trip to visit Michael and Nancy.  He was very sick, but he persevered and had a good time.  Steve WAS Right!.

Recently a friend commented on something I said by saying she remembered Steve's Eulogy, Steve Was Right.....
I could not remember the sense of what Michael wrote, the day is a blur of unreality for me.  I asked Michael to send me a copy.   Thank you Michael!

Day 109 of 365.
Persevere ........K

Things and Stuff

I have met many wonderful new friends because Steve died.  Each of these friends lost a spouse, all struggling to come to terms with their loss.  There is no end to grief, it always lingers in our lives.  It becomes easier and familiar but is there nonetheless.  Dealing with each nuance of our grief is a continuing challenge.  

Decisions about the personal belongings of our loved one is never easy.  Certain belongings come to be significant.  Letting the item go can be traumatic.  I learned that letting an item go can be OK if the circumstances are right.  One of my friends is struggling with selling her husbands prized Corvette.  I suggested that selling it to someone that would love it and use it would please her husband.  About 3 1/2 years ago I made a decision based on necessity to sell a motorcycle that was mine; but in the last year of Steve's life became his.  I finally reconciled this when a woman contacted me to buy it.  I felt in my heart that Steve would like that I sold it to a woman.  I was one of a handful of women who rode back in the 80's, he was proud of me for riding.  I knew selling the bike to her would work and it did.  I've never felt guilty about selling such a big part of Steve's life.

I have seen complete extremes in people regarding a loved ones belongings.  One person immediately wants all reminders gone, others prefer to hold onto many items, and still others keep it all.  What is the right way to handle this?  There is no right or wrong.  You do what you have to do to get through the endless days of sadness.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve, you just put one foot in front of the other and move Day by Day and Minute by Minute.

I've traveled so far these past 5 1/2 years, I've met many wonderful new friends, I learned to pick up my life and move forward.  It has been a hard lesson but I've managed.  I have a long list of people I counted on to hold me up....none of them let me down.  I consider myself blessed to know them and blessed to have had Steve in my life.  He is gone but never forgotten.  Through losing Steve I have gained and that is what I look at now

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."  ~From a headstone in Ireland~


"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."  ~Kahlil Gibran~

Day 108 of 365.
Keep memories in your heart.....K

The Gloomy Place

Feeling deflated is a feeling I despise.  When the wind leaves your sails, when your balloon bursts, when the air is knocked from your lungs, when the life is sucked from your soul.  Do you know the feeling?  I do.  I prefer to feel happiness, to choose joy, but every now and then something happens to knock me down.  It can be something of no real consequence, yet it completely takes the life out of me. 

Emptiness and apathy....I fight them, but I do not always win..  I do and will always win ultimately, that is my nature.  I am an optimist most of the time, I find the bright side,  I choose joy.  I sometimes allow emptiness and apathy to rule, I want to feel the depths, I want to, so I can feel the soar of happiness, the feeling of pure joy.  Without darkness we cannot know the beauty of the light.

I have lost enough to know that life is short, that life is to be lived, lived fully, each minute, of each hour, of each day but sometimes shutting down is necessary, right?  Do you agree?
This is sometimes where we all must go....a gloomy place.  It can be a healing place......I have found this to be true.  A place to lick  wounds, to scream at fate, to feel the pain.  I don't want to dwell on pain and sadness, but I know that it is necessary.

I spoke with a woman yesterday, she lost her husband of many years a few months ago.  She reminded me of how I looked 5 years ago, I hope I showed her there is hope, that life will be OK again, that the pain will end.......I hope she saw this and knows.  The pain is so raw,  Tragic and sad things do and will happen to us, where we land is our choice.

I've landed and I'm happy again.  Being happy again does not mean I've forgotten, I have not, it simply means that I have chosen to live while I can.

Day 95 of 365.
Feel Everything.....K

Finding Peace

Finding peace in the midst of chaos.  Possible?  It has taken me a very long time to realize that peace has always been within me.  I thought being alone, or controlling the swirling chaos around me would bring peace.   It never seemed to work and I would wonder why.

Sitting alone in solitude with constant thoughts and worries did not attain peace for me.  I tried and tried, thinking peace would be mine very soon, not so.  I envy those who recognized the key to peace in their younger years.

I sat among my family, children laughing, adults out-shouting one another, laughter, loud and raucous. I suddenly realized my heart was at ease, my mind was happy....I felt peaceful.  Silly me, I thought.  Peace has always been mine, just a thought away.  This was such a revelation, so unbelievable but true.  Such an amazing and momentous time.  Quiet solitude does not bring peace, peace  is simply a feeling from within.

Peace has always been within my grasp, just a thought away.  I will keep this thought always, I will not let this go, it is far too important.  I am learning to let go of thoughts that serve no purpose.  Does this mean I am always peaceful?  Not at all....it means I know that peace comes from within, peace is not solitude.  I know that I can have peace, I can

Day 94 of 365
Find Your Peace.......K

The Dimming of the Day

Our passed loved ones are with us....they find ways to show us they are here.  My brother, Dave has had suggested videos pop-up over the past few days, both of David Gilmour, my dad resembled him.  One suggested song was "The Dimming of the Day".  He starts off saying "this song has nothing whatsoever to do with me but I like it".  I believe it's a sign, as does David.  How I miss our Papa Bear.....lost from us so very many years.  First mentally and finally physically.

Our lives begin, we live, our lives slow down, our lives end......or do they?  The ultimate question, what next?
I was with my stepmother, Helen and my husband Steve when they took their last breath....they were both peaceful, not struggling, not scared.  I believe they were already in a place they wanted, a place of beauty, a place of peace, a place of no pain.

The Dimming of our Days is a mystery, the ultimate, not to be solved mystery.  As time passes and I grow older I finally recognize mortality, I know physical life will end but I also know that there is more, so much more for us.  I am in no hurry, I love life and will live each magical, mysterious day to the fullest but I know when my days do ultimately dim I will be peaceful, I will see so many familiar  and loved faces.  The clouds will part and there will be beauty beyond.

Day 87 of 365.

See the Magic in each new day......K

Choosing Happiness

It seems that life is a series of curve balls.  As you stand at your home plate are you ready for the curve ball or only for the perfect pitch?  I have swung at and missed many curves....Each has taught me something; patience, strength, flexibility, honesty, empathy, sympathy, compassion, but mostly I've learned to live each day, each minute.  I don't want to wish my life away....it is human nature to wish for the good times, "I can't wait for the weekend", "If I can just get through this week", "tomorrow".....a series of skipping your minutes.  

I have not lived a charmed life, it has taken me a long time to realize it doesn't matter, what does matter is what I have done with my life.  Am I happy?  Am I where I want to be?  I am happy and I am where I am and that is fine.  I have few regrets, I like that.

If we get all that we want, are we happier?  Looking at the lives of the rich and famous we see that having everything does not equal happiness.  Happiness comes from within......seeing my grandson pucker his little lips for a good-bye kiss as I put on my coat, my daughter texts me a sad face when I say I don't feel like walking, hearing my youngest daughter call me 'mamacita', having my son care so much that I might be disappointed in him, my granddaughter says "I love my grammy"....these are reasons for happiness, real happiness.  Happiness is the way my heart feels at these moments and I am grateful for each of these moments.  Walking on a quiet country road hand in hand with the sun shining......moments in time, happy single moments adding up to happiness. 

I think how on cold or snowy winter days people complain longing for the summer and then complaining on hot, humid July days.  Is  it not better to see the beauty after a snowfall?  

I will try to look at each day for what it is, a day of life, a day of possibility.  

Day 85 of 365
Choose Happiness.....

Celebrating a Life Well Lived

I believe in celebrating a life that was lived.  Losing a loved one is devastating, the desire to celebrate is not in your mind but creating a living memorial of a life well lived is important.  A timeline of living, a testament to life, a focus on the life and not the death of your loved one.  There will be so much grief to come.....gather friends and family, listen to the stories of a part of your loved one from another perspective.  There is great comfort in this celebration of life.


Play the music they loved, have the items they adored, surround yourself with the people in their life, laugh, toast, celebrate for they lived, they loved, they were here on this Earth, a footprint was made and it is reason for joy.

There was music playing, "The Last Waltz" by The Band, a leather coat, a motorcyle helmet, a stuffed Curious George, a gold Sacred Pig ring all reminders of a man, a husband, a son, a father......

"We've been through
Some things together
With trunks of memories
Still to come
We found things to do
In stormy weather
Long may you run."

Our good friend and neighbor John spoke at Steve's funeral.  I will never forget his words, they were heartfelt and true.  I don't have the exact words but this is the essence of what John said.....Had the Whitmarsh's not moved in next door I would never have known Steve.  We were very different and our paths would not have crossed.  Steve would come out of the house dressed in leather and roar up the road on his Harley, I would come out of the house in spandex and glide up the road on my bicycle.  Steve worked on his Harley, I built a solar hot dog cooker.  Because of Steve I started skiing.  He insisted we carry walkie talkies to communicate.  One day at West Mountain Steve swooped down at me from the mountain....John I've been calling you on the radio, you didn't answer.  He reaches into my jacket pocket, pulls out the walkie talkie and says 'you might want to turn it on!'.  Off he went, shaking his head, disbelieving I was so stupid.  Steve impacted the lives he touched, good or bad there was an impact.

So we remember, we honor, we celebrate, we grieve, we cry, we get angry, we smile, we laugh.......in the end it's the memories that sustain us.  I will live a life worth celebrating.....how about you???

"In the end it's not the years in your life that count.  It's the life in your years." ~Abraham Lincoln~

Day 78 of 365
Celebrate life......K

Finding Beauty in the Darkness

The darkest hour, just before dawn can be such a lonely, frightening place and it was.  In his last week, Steve always woke at 3 a.m. which meant I was up with him.  He never said why he was up, my gut tells me he was scared.  What is it about that hour of the day that is so frightening?  I think that if I knew I was close to death that time would feel like death had already taken me....perhaps that is why he was up, he didn't want to be alone, he needed to feel life.  Steve faced his mortality with dignity and courage, never giving an inch to his fate, except at 3 a.m. when his guard was down and his feelings lay bare.

I woke that first night after Steve died at 3 a.m., hearing him call me.  I know it was him, it was real, not dreamlike.  I realized quite soon that he was gone and that crouching, creeping, deepest, darkest time of night was there.  It was so dark, so lonely, so bleak.....now what?  Eventually sleep came and the surreal days that followed kept me busy, unable to feel, unable to think.

It is always darkest before the dawn......but dawn does come and the light of day quells some of the fear and loneliness.  I was so grateful when the light of day came.  Many nights, for a long time, Todd and/or Maddie came to sleep with me....fighting the demons of the dark, seeking comfort where there was none or was there?  We huddled together in our sadness until the day took us to a slightly better place.

The human spirit is resilient, I have learned this over these 5 years.  I no longer fear the night or the deepest, darkest time of night.  I have adjusted my vision.  Resilient and strong, human nature at it's best.  

It took some time but I have learned that that the sun will rise and the darkness is OK.

Day 74 of 365.
The Sun will rise......K

Nights Become Mornings

Some days I wake up and know it will be a difficult day, perhaps I'm tired, sad, grumpy or just uneasy.  It is not always easy to throw off these feelings, I have come to the conclusion that these days should not be thrown off, they should be followed through and finished.

Each day I try to be thankful, there is truly so much to be thankful for.  The simple act of waking up is reason to be thankful, each day many do not wake.  I have had days of waking, thankful that I've awakened but not wanting to face the reality of the day, wishing to fall back into sweet oblivion but the very basic truth is I woke and that is reason for thanks.  It may not have been a day of delight, but it was a day of life and for that thanks are in order.

Friends and family are certainly reasons to be thankful.   I am blessed with a large and loving family and a circle of true, trusted friends.  I have been on the receiving end of true friendship, that is a blessing never to be taken for granted.  Cherish those who care, show them you care at every opportunity.

"Dreams are the touchstones of our character." ~Henry David Thoreau~

What is your dream?  Have you brought it to fruition?  A 'bucket list', a dream list is the stepping stone of life.  I have dreams, some I've followed and fulfilled, others still in the wings.  Ireland was my biggest dream and that has happened.....it is an ongoing dream.  A land of magic and beauty.  I long to return.  

We can love someone but not like them......I believe this is most evident in struggling through the teen years with our children, we always, without fail love our children but often go through times of not liking them very much.

  Finding a person you like and also loving them is a sweet bonus in life.  

I have cursed my lot in life at times, I have said 'why me', but in reality my life has been blessed.  I have health, my children and grandchildren have health, I have a job I like and work with some wonderful folks, I have fulfilled my childhood dream of going to Ireland.....I have known love.  I have been given new chances at life.  My lot in life has, at times, been difficult, but I choose (most days) to be thankful for what I have.

I try to remember that even the darkest hour will end and the sun will shine again and life goes on and so do I.

Day 73 of 365.
Look for the sunrise......K

Age

"Recently I noticed the pictures of me don’t align with my image of myself. That I’m still imagining the me of my early forties. I looked at a photograph the Earthquake Man just took of me in the desert and didn’t recognize myself. I wanted to turn away. I said, “That photograph scares me. I see an old woman.” He said, without any response other than a perfunctory one, “Hmm. That’s not what I see. I see a beautiful woman.” ~Christiane Pelunas~

I found a blog this morning that had an impact on me.  The quote above moved me....It puts feeling into words that make sense.  

As the years have hustled by, as I have rushed through life, the years have caught up with me.  Simple every day tasks are no longer done without a thought, squatting, kneeling, opening jars.....the list goes on.  Knees that prevent running, being unable to get up from the floor without using my hands.....again the list goes on.  

The day our realization of our age catches up with our physical self is a rude awakening, a jolt to the very core of the soul.  How does one age in a world that reveres youth, that despises wrinkles, that looks at young perfection and shuns aging, where beauty is defined by silicone, by surgery......how does one reconcile this?  I don't have an answer, I struggle with this every day.  The young believe age will not get them, that the years won't fly by.  I, too, once believed this, but  gravity and living have their way with us, a field day.  Suddenly pictures show a different person, a person unknown to us.  It is time to welcome this new person, to open up and realize that beauty is more than physical, it is more than youthful perfection.  

I do struggle with the loss of youth,  the addition of aches and pains, the realization I cannot do everything I once did, and the shock of seeing the person looking back at me in the mirror.  I will continue working toward loving this new, older, wiser person.

Living life creates a new person, hopefully a better, wiser person.  I know I am older, I hope I am wiser...I think I am.  Look into the eyes of an elder, you can see their life, every wrinkle tells a story of triumph, of sorrow, of laughter, of tears.  I look at my face when I smile and see my wrinkles deepen....each stretch mark tells the story of a new life, a life brought forth, four lives.   I will tell myself a new story each day.....a story of a girl becoming a woman, a woman becoming a mom, a mom becoming a grandma...a story of happiness, of grief, of love, of loss, my story....Day by Day.


I remember how Steve hated his birthday, absolutely hated it. He didn't like to celebrate his birthday, he preferred the day to pass quietly.   He often said, "I don't want to be old".  I say be careful what you wish for.......

Day 72 of 365.
Celebrate Life.......K

Choices

I once read a book, I cannot remember the title, but it made an impact which made me think.  I have tossed the premise of the book out to friends for opinions and thoughts.

Three women take a vacation in an old country home.  Each woman has problems in her life.   They were given the option of going back to a crossroad in their life and taking the other road instead of the one they chose.  The catch was that if they took the other road it was permanent, for better or worse.

I often think back to major points in my life and wonder "what if".  This is an interesting concept.  What would you do?  If a road taken has proved difficult or didn't turn out the way you had hoped, would you change it?

I have made good choices, bad choices, informed choices, uninformed choices; some with desirable results and some not so much.  I would not change any decision, I am me because of my choices.  Every day we are faced with decisions, some life changing and some not.It is easy to say 'what if' or 'if only' but facing the consequences of our choices takes courage, builds the person we are.

I will move with courage into a new phase of my life, making choices.....good and bad.  

We are truly the sum of our choices.......

Day 67 of 365.

Choose wisely.......K

Making Mistakes

Making mistakes is human, recognizing a mistake is difficult, rectifying a mistake is daunting.  Making a mistake for the right reasons doesn't make it any less of a mistake but can make it extremely difficult to recognize and more difficult to rectify.

It has taken me a while to recognize my mistake.  When Steve died, my grief was raw and ragged, but I had a 13 year old son just starting his freshman year of high school and a 11 year old daughter in the throes of middle school.  I grieved at times, but tended to throw myself into my kids lives, putting grief aside does not lessen it or make it go away, it simply waits.  It catches you when you least expect it, when you take a moment to catch your breath, it jumps in.  Putting my own grief on hold was not a mistake, it was a necessity. 

My mistake was made with good intentions so I don't beat myself up. well not too much anyway.  As the saying goes hindsight is 20/20.  Having made the mistake and now recognizing it, I must now attempt to rectify it as best I can.

My kids well-being was utmost in my mind.  Mom's will do anything, I mean anything, to take the pain from their children.....this was my mistake.  I tried to take away the hurt, I tried to make up for their loss, and I ended up making life now harder for me and for my kids.  You see I didn't know at the time that I could NOT take away their grief.  It was theirs and they had to embrace it and wade through it.

It is horrible to see your kids suffer, be in pain, be sad....because of that I took too much away, thus prolonging their difficult times.  I kept us busy, I gave them everything they wanted, if I could.  That is my biggest mistake.  I made them less self reliant, less independent, too dependent on me, allowed them to substitute things for their grief and thus caused their grief to be prolonged.  I am deeply sorry for that.

There are no instruction sheets birthed along with your children, no FAQ's sheet.....every child is different and must be parented in different ways.  I know this.  I have been 'accused' by my children of favoring one or the other of them.  I don't, I simply give differently to each of them.  

We continue to struggle at times, each new loss, grandmothers and grandfathers, compound the grief, opening the wounds and making it all new again.   We struggle, we make mistakes, we travel backward but ultimately we will win.  Perhaps through our lives any loss will seem more intense because of the many losses we've had but we will persevere.  We are strong and we move on eventually.  We make mistakes that have to be rectified.  I must now let my children move into themselves, become independent of me.  I am always here if needed, always willing to help, but must now let them stand on their own two feet.  I hope this is not misconstrued as not caring, of pushing them away from me....it is because I love my children so much that I will move forward and allow them to do so as well.

We make mistakes, we are human, we recognize our mistakes and hopefully we will rectify them as necessary.  I love my children, I hate to see their pain but I must let them move through it, give them tools to survive and refrain from 'fixing' everything..

"Making mistakes is a lot better than not doing anything"

~~Billie Joe Armstrong~~

Day 65 of 365.
Do your best.....K

The Smallest Things

Each day I try to be positive about something.  Some days it's easy, other days not so easy.  Sometimes it just feels as though there is not a single thing to be happy about....I hate those days because, in reality, there is so much to be positive about and thankful for.

 Life has a way of knocking us down at times, taking the wind out of our sails, creating a darkness......there have been times when I didn't believe I would go on, I didn't believe I would smile or be happy.  I am so thankful that I have always gotten back up and moved forward.

What is it that ultimately gets me up and going?  It is the smallest, most seemingly insignificant things that make my heart sing.  Scarlett announced that her name is Scarlett Kathi the other night.  This made me happy in my turmoil.  As I was hugging Scarlett good bye I saw Calvin sitting and waiting in his high chair with his arms open wide for a hug from me and his lips puckered for a kiss good bye.  Oliver watching and smiling.  In that moment in time, my heart was full, I had no room for turmoil or sadness.

Last week was a bad week, there are some difficulties ahead for me.  Some situations that created dark thoughts, situations that seemed impossible presented themselves to me.   My typical way during these bad times is to have a day of being sullen and silent, a day of ranting and lashing out, a day of complaining (I prefer to refer to this as venting).  I should skip the ranting and lashing out and go straight to venting....lashing out does not solve anything, it creates more difficulty.  This is can be a hard lesson.  I was lucky.

The sun will rise despite our problems and the sun will set on our problems.  We have to choose how we will handle our problems and what is important.  Worry takes up too much space and time.  I have to continue learning to let it go.....just realize that the sun will rise and the sun will set, remember the important things and solve the problems in a logical, focused way.

Day 64 of 365

Look for positive & Love the smallest moments......K

In Three Words

Loss is devastating, loss is heart breaking, loss is gut kicking, loss is pain beyond anything you've felt.  I would choose any physical pain over the anguished pain of loss.  Loss creates physical pain, it creates false thoughts, it creates anger, it creates bitterness.....eventually, the physical pain, false thoughts, anger and bitterness give way to unreality and eventually reality.  A reality that no matter how much you want your loved one back you cannot do anything, absolutely nothing to change this reality and now a feeling of hopelessness and helplessness.  It is a long and winding road of pain and loneliness BUT it, life, goes on.  

One day you remember your loved one and your heart doesn't hurt.  You laugh and realize you are not faking a laugh or smile.  You wake up without a feeling of heaviness, you fall asleep without crying yourself to sleep.  It happens so gradually you may not notice but it does happen.  I know this first hand and I know it because I've seen in happen in others.  It is a miracle of life, a true miracle.  

We all know that the darkest times of our lives fall within the darkest hours of the day; however the sun will always rise and life will always go on.  There will be pitfalls, there will be fears that rear their ugly heads, there will be times when these fears will cause you to make mistakes.  I hope that the mistakes I make, the people I try to push away will realize that it is fear that causes this seemingly erratic behavior.

I remember thinking as the 1 year anniversary of a loss approached that I would suddenly be just fine.  That is the mind helping us cope.  There is no epiphany, there are no hallelujahs from above....there is just another day of moving forward in pain and grief. 

The most important thing I have learned is to put one foot in front of the other, to go forward, to let the bad days have their way, to remember that 'even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise'.  

I have found happiness, I have tried to sabotage my happiness.....I am thankful for the kind and wonderful person who tries to understand and forgives.

My life moves on and I continue to struggle, but as the saying goes "you've come a long way baby".  

Day 59 of 365.

Life Goes On......K

Sabotage

Is it possible that a fear of being too happy causes us to create reasons to be unhappy?  I have come to a conclusion that this is possible and that I have, in fact, done just that on more than one occasion.  Why would a rational person do this.?  It certainly does not make sense.

I asked a friend last night why someone, me, would sabotage happiness.  My friend, always full of wisdom, or "accumulated experience", said that anyone having lost a significant person(s) might fear permanence or feel that during happy events a sense that something will go wrong pervades, that the other shoe will drop. These feelings may cause one to sabotage happiness.  

Though this makes absolutely no sense in the rational mind, it happens.

I know that I have sabotaged my happiness a few times.  I would think that recognizing this would prevent it, it does not.

I am fortunate that I recognized my foolishness in time to prevent creating a huge hole and fresh sadness in my life.

I sometimes believe I should be alone, isolated to preserve my heart and allow it to heal completely.
At what cost I asked myself?  Will being alone, with an aching, healing heart be best?  I have learned that I am happy alone and that is good, but sharing a life with someone is so much more rewarding.  I am thankful that I have come far enough in my journey to rectify and prevent a mistake I would regret.

I am blessed with friends and family I can depend on.  I am blessed, really and truly blessed.  I will work hard to accept the happiness I receive and not destroy it.  Life is short, life is to live, not exist.  I will remember this in dark times.....

                                                           

"Whatever we are waiting for - peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance - it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart."
~~Sarah Ban Breathnach~~

I will accept new happiness with an open and grateful heart.  I will look at the here and now.  I pray that my heart heals and remains whole.  I must trust and live without sabotaging my happiness and hurting those who trust in me.

Day 58 of 365.

Live Fully.....K

 

Waiting Out the Storm

Sometimes I am overcome with sadness.  No reason, no warning, just great sadness.  I feel sad about everything.  It is harder to deal with this overwhelming sadness as happiness is more often in my life .  I don't understand....I find that if I wait it out it passes but sometimes I do stupid things in the midst of it.  I should avoid doing that but don't always.  I lash out or make decisions I shouldn't make. I should know better.

I sometimes read what I've written and think I sound like Little Miss Sunshine, sometimes I am but sometimes I am not.

I feel dark at times, darker than I would think possible.  Why, I wonder, nothing is different.  It is simply a state of mind.  It will pass.  I felt it starting last night.  It may have been the end of our trip looming but I don't think so.  It is bigger than that, it feels darker than that.  Foreboding.  I don't like how it feels.

I can't put a finger on what is wrong, I lash out it all directions.  I cry, and shake my head wondering what is wrong.  Perhaps tomorrow I will wake up and the feeling will be gone or not.

Not much else to say this day.  I will go celebrate my wonderful Rebecca's birthday.  I hope the dark, foreboding feelings leave.

Day 56 of 365.
Wait out the Storm.....K

Raindrops From Heaven

As I scanned Facebook this morning it was filled with posts about our departed loved ones.   Raindrops as kisses from heaven, I like that thought.  I like to believe that it is true.... it is a comforting.  A physical reminder of loss and love.  I like to believe that my grandparents, my dad, my mom, my stepmother, Steve and his parents and all my family in heaven are sending me kisses from heaven.  It is soothing, it is happy and I like that.  

The pieces of our lives, the pieces of ourselves received from our loved ones are important.  The reminders of the lives they led, we keep them with us through these pieces.  I miss my dad, I miss my mom, I miss my grandparents and I miss Steve.  Loss is butt kicking, gut wrenching pain, it sucks the life out of your body for a time but eventually we do go beyond it, we don't forget the pain, we keep it as a reminder to live our lives to the best of our ability.  We cleanse our soul with our tears, we scream and shake our fist at God and ask 'why me?'.   God's answer is why NOT you.       Once you reach that realization you lose the anger,  well that is when I lost it.I am no more and no less than any other person.

Each of the people I've lost has impacted my life in so many ways.  I have my Gram McGivern's strength I have her jawline and her very large calves....haha, true I'm afraid.  She was a force to be reckoned with, a person to live up to, a person whose admiration was important to me.    Steve taught me to live each day, one at a time, Steve taught me to have fun.  I lost the ability to have fun at some point in my young years, I am thankful to have that back.  My dad's sense of humor was the best, he was so silly sometimes, he taught me that being silly was OK   He had a twinkle in his eye and a story in his heart.  My mom and I had a difficult relationship.  We didn't have a typical mother/daughter relationship.  She was gone for many years.  That is a sad memory but what I have learned is that my mom did her best and she loved me and my brothers.  She was a good person and I love her. My stepmother was a kind person.  She married a man with 4 teenagers.  She was gentle and loving.  I am not a part of her genetically but she left lasting memories and impressions with me.  I learned humility and courage from her.    I am thankful for the mothering she gave my brothers and I.   I am who I am because of these people.

I will never forget them, each special in their way.  I hold the pieces of them in my heart and memory.  As long as they are remembered they live on.

Day 51 of 365.
Remember.......K