The darkest hour, just before dawn can be such a lonely, frightening place and it was. In his last week, Steve always woke at 3 a.m. which meant I was up with him. He never said why he was up, my gut tells me he was scared. What is it about that hour of the day that is so frightening? I think that if I knew I was close to death that time would feel like death had already taken me....perhaps that is why he was up, he didn't want to be alone, he needed to feel life. Steve faced his mortality with dignity and courage, never giving an inch to his fate, except at 3 a.m. when his guard was down and his feelings lay bare.
I woke that first night after Steve died at 3 a.m., hearing him call me. I know it was him, it was real, not dreamlike. I realized quite soon that he was gone and that crouching, creeping, deepest, darkest time of night was there. It was so dark, so lonely, so bleak.....now what? Eventually sleep came and the surreal days that followed kept me busy, unable to feel, unable to think.
It is always darkest before the dawn......but dawn does come and the light of day quells some of the fear and loneliness. I was so grateful when the light of day came. Many nights, for a long time, Todd and/or Maddie came to sleep with me....fighting the demons of the dark, seeking comfort where there was none or was there? We huddled together in our sadness until the day took us to a slightly better place.
The human spirit is resilient, I have learned this over these 5 years. I no longer fear the night or the deepest, darkest time of night. I have adjusted my vision. Resilient and strong, human nature at it's best.
Day 74 of 365.
The Sun will rise......K
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