The Dimming of the Day

Our passed loved ones are with us....they find ways to show us they are here.  My brother, Dave has had suggested videos pop-up over the past few days, both of David Gilmour, my dad resembled him.  One suggested song was "The Dimming of the Day".  He starts off saying "this song has nothing whatsoever to do with me but I like it".  I believe it's a sign, as does David.  How I miss our Papa Bear.....lost from us so very many years.  First mentally and finally physically.

Our lives begin, we live, our lives slow down, our lives end......or do they?  The ultimate question, what next?
I was with my stepmother, Helen and my husband Steve when they took their last breath....they were both peaceful, not struggling, not scared.  I believe they were already in a place they wanted, a place of beauty, a place of peace, a place of no pain.

The Dimming of our Days is a mystery, the ultimate, not to be solved mystery.  As time passes and I grow older I finally recognize mortality, I know physical life will end but I also know that there is more, so much more for us.  I am in no hurry, I love life and will live each magical, mysterious day to the fullest but I know when my days do ultimately dim I will be peaceful, I will see so many familiar  and loved faces.  The clouds will part and there will be beauty beyond.

Day 87 of 365.

See the Magic in each new day......K

Choosing Happiness

It seems that life is a series of curve balls.  As you stand at your home plate are you ready for the curve ball or only for the perfect pitch?  I have swung at and missed many curves....Each has taught me something; patience, strength, flexibility, honesty, empathy, sympathy, compassion, but mostly I've learned to live each day, each minute.  I don't want to wish my life away....it is human nature to wish for the good times, "I can't wait for the weekend", "If I can just get through this week", "tomorrow".....a series of skipping your minutes.  

I have not lived a charmed life, it has taken me a long time to realize it doesn't matter, what does matter is what I have done with my life.  Am I happy?  Am I where I want to be?  I am happy and I am where I am and that is fine.  I have few regrets, I like that.

If we get all that we want, are we happier?  Looking at the lives of the rich and famous we see that having everything does not equal happiness.  Happiness comes from within......seeing my grandson pucker his little lips for a good-bye kiss as I put on my coat, my daughter texts me a sad face when I say I don't feel like walking, hearing my youngest daughter call me 'mamacita', having my son care so much that I might be disappointed in him, my granddaughter says "I love my grammy"....these are reasons for happiness, real happiness.  Happiness is the way my heart feels at these moments and I am grateful for each of these moments.  Walking on a quiet country road hand in hand with the sun shining......moments in time, happy single moments adding up to happiness. 

I think how on cold or snowy winter days people complain longing for the summer and then complaining on hot, humid July days.  Is  it not better to see the beauty after a snowfall?  

I will try to look at each day for what it is, a day of life, a day of possibility.  

Day 85 of 365
Choose Happiness.....

Celebrating a Life Well Lived

I believe in celebrating a life that was lived.  Losing a loved one is devastating, the desire to celebrate is not in your mind but creating a living memorial of a life well lived is important.  A timeline of living, a testament to life, a focus on the life and not the death of your loved one.  There will be so much grief to come.....gather friends and family, listen to the stories of a part of your loved one from another perspective.  There is great comfort in this celebration of life.


Play the music they loved, have the items they adored, surround yourself with the people in their life, laugh, toast, celebrate for they lived, they loved, they were here on this Earth, a footprint was made and it is reason for joy.

There was music playing, "The Last Waltz" by The Band, a leather coat, a motorcyle helmet, a stuffed Curious George, a gold Sacred Pig ring all reminders of a man, a husband, a son, a father......

"We've been through
Some things together
With trunks of memories
Still to come
We found things to do
In stormy weather
Long may you run."

Our good friend and neighbor John spoke at Steve's funeral.  I will never forget his words, they were heartfelt and true.  I don't have the exact words but this is the essence of what John said.....Had the Whitmarsh's not moved in next door I would never have known Steve.  We were very different and our paths would not have crossed.  Steve would come out of the house dressed in leather and roar up the road on his Harley, I would come out of the house in spandex and glide up the road on my bicycle.  Steve worked on his Harley, I built a solar hot dog cooker.  Because of Steve I started skiing.  He insisted we carry walkie talkies to communicate.  One day at West Mountain Steve swooped down at me from the mountain....John I've been calling you on the radio, you didn't answer.  He reaches into my jacket pocket, pulls out the walkie talkie and says 'you might want to turn it on!'.  Off he went, shaking his head, disbelieving I was so stupid.  Steve impacted the lives he touched, good or bad there was an impact.

So we remember, we honor, we celebrate, we grieve, we cry, we get angry, we smile, we laugh.......in the end it's the memories that sustain us.  I will live a life worth celebrating.....how about you???

"In the end it's not the years in your life that count.  It's the life in your years." ~Abraham Lincoln~

Day 78 of 365
Celebrate life......K

Finding Beauty in the Darkness

The darkest hour, just before dawn can be such a lonely, frightening place and it was.  In his last week, Steve always woke at 3 a.m. which meant I was up with him.  He never said why he was up, my gut tells me he was scared.  What is it about that hour of the day that is so frightening?  I think that if I knew I was close to death that time would feel like death had already taken me....perhaps that is why he was up, he didn't want to be alone, he needed to feel life.  Steve faced his mortality with dignity and courage, never giving an inch to his fate, except at 3 a.m. when his guard was down and his feelings lay bare.

I woke that first night after Steve died at 3 a.m., hearing him call me.  I know it was him, it was real, not dreamlike.  I realized quite soon that he was gone and that crouching, creeping, deepest, darkest time of night was there.  It was so dark, so lonely, so bleak.....now what?  Eventually sleep came and the surreal days that followed kept me busy, unable to feel, unable to think.

It is always darkest before the dawn......but dawn does come and the light of day quells some of the fear and loneliness.  I was so grateful when the light of day came.  Many nights, for a long time, Todd and/or Maddie came to sleep with me....fighting the demons of the dark, seeking comfort where there was none or was there?  We huddled together in our sadness until the day took us to a slightly better place.

The human spirit is resilient, I have learned this over these 5 years.  I no longer fear the night or the deepest, darkest time of night.  I have adjusted my vision.  Resilient and strong, human nature at it's best.  

It took some time but I have learned that that the sun will rise and the darkness is OK.

Day 74 of 365.
The Sun will rise......K

Nights Become Mornings

Some days I wake up and know it will be a difficult day, perhaps I'm tired, sad, grumpy or just uneasy.  It is not always easy to throw off these feelings, I have come to the conclusion that these days should not be thrown off, they should be followed through and finished.

Each day I try to be thankful, there is truly so much to be thankful for.  The simple act of waking up is reason to be thankful, each day many do not wake.  I have had days of waking, thankful that I've awakened but not wanting to face the reality of the day, wishing to fall back into sweet oblivion but the very basic truth is I woke and that is reason for thanks.  It may not have been a day of delight, but it was a day of life and for that thanks are in order.

Friends and family are certainly reasons to be thankful.   I am blessed with a large and loving family and a circle of true, trusted friends.  I have been on the receiving end of true friendship, that is a blessing never to be taken for granted.  Cherish those who care, show them you care at every opportunity.

"Dreams are the touchstones of our character." ~Henry David Thoreau~

What is your dream?  Have you brought it to fruition?  A 'bucket list', a dream list is the stepping stone of life.  I have dreams, some I've followed and fulfilled, others still in the wings.  Ireland was my biggest dream and that has happened.....it is an ongoing dream.  A land of magic and beauty.  I long to return.  

We can love someone but not like them......I believe this is most evident in struggling through the teen years with our children, we always, without fail love our children but often go through times of not liking them very much.

  Finding a person you like and also loving them is a sweet bonus in life.  

I have cursed my lot in life at times, I have said 'why me', but in reality my life has been blessed.  I have health, my children and grandchildren have health, I have a job I like and work with some wonderful folks, I have fulfilled my childhood dream of going to Ireland.....I have known love.  I have been given new chances at life.  My lot in life has, at times, been difficult, but I choose (most days) to be thankful for what I have.

I try to remember that even the darkest hour will end and the sun will shine again and life goes on and so do I.

Day 73 of 365.
Look for the sunrise......K

Age

"Recently I noticed the pictures of me don’t align with my image of myself. That I’m still imagining the me of my early forties. I looked at a photograph the Earthquake Man just took of me in the desert and didn’t recognize myself. I wanted to turn away. I said, “That photograph scares me. I see an old woman.” He said, without any response other than a perfunctory one, “Hmm. That’s not what I see. I see a beautiful woman.” ~Christiane Pelunas~

I found a blog this morning that had an impact on me.  The quote above moved me....It puts feeling into words that make sense.  

As the years have hustled by, as I have rushed through life, the years have caught up with me.  Simple every day tasks are no longer done without a thought, squatting, kneeling, opening jars.....the list goes on.  Knees that prevent running, being unable to get up from the floor without using my hands.....again the list goes on.  

The day our realization of our age catches up with our physical self is a rude awakening, a jolt to the very core of the soul.  How does one age in a world that reveres youth, that despises wrinkles, that looks at young perfection and shuns aging, where beauty is defined by silicone, by surgery......how does one reconcile this?  I don't have an answer, I struggle with this every day.  The young believe age will not get them, that the years won't fly by.  I, too, once believed this, but  gravity and living have their way with us, a field day.  Suddenly pictures show a different person, a person unknown to us.  It is time to welcome this new person, to open up and realize that beauty is more than physical, it is more than youthful perfection.  

I do struggle with the loss of youth,  the addition of aches and pains, the realization I cannot do everything I once did, and the shock of seeing the person looking back at me in the mirror.  I will continue working toward loving this new, older, wiser person.

Living life creates a new person, hopefully a better, wiser person.  I know I am older, I hope I am wiser...I think I am.  Look into the eyes of an elder, you can see their life, every wrinkle tells a story of triumph, of sorrow, of laughter, of tears.  I look at my face when I smile and see my wrinkles deepen....each stretch mark tells the story of a new life, a life brought forth, four lives.   I will tell myself a new story each day.....a story of a girl becoming a woman, a woman becoming a mom, a mom becoming a grandma...a story of happiness, of grief, of love, of loss, my story....Day by Day.


I remember how Steve hated his birthday, absolutely hated it. He didn't like to celebrate his birthday, he preferred the day to pass quietly.   He often said, "I don't want to be old".  I say be careful what you wish for.......

Day 72 of 365.
Celebrate Life.......K

Choices

I once read a book, I cannot remember the title, but it made an impact which made me think.  I have tossed the premise of the book out to friends for opinions and thoughts.

Three women take a vacation in an old country home.  Each woman has problems in her life.   They were given the option of going back to a crossroad in their life and taking the other road instead of the one they chose.  The catch was that if they took the other road it was permanent, for better or worse.

I often think back to major points in my life and wonder "what if".  This is an interesting concept.  What would you do?  If a road taken has proved difficult or didn't turn out the way you had hoped, would you change it?

I have made good choices, bad choices, informed choices, uninformed choices; some with desirable results and some not so much.  I would not change any decision, I am me because of my choices.  Every day we are faced with decisions, some life changing and some not.It is easy to say 'what if' or 'if only' but facing the consequences of our choices takes courage, builds the person we are.

I will move with courage into a new phase of my life, making choices.....good and bad.  

We are truly the sum of our choices.......

Day 67 of 365.

Choose wisely.......K

Making Mistakes

Making mistakes is human, recognizing a mistake is difficult, rectifying a mistake is daunting.  Making a mistake for the right reasons doesn't make it any less of a mistake but can make it extremely difficult to recognize and more difficult to rectify.

It has taken me a while to recognize my mistake.  When Steve died, my grief was raw and ragged, but I had a 13 year old son just starting his freshman year of high school and a 11 year old daughter in the throes of middle school.  I grieved at times, but tended to throw myself into my kids lives, putting grief aside does not lessen it or make it go away, it simply waits.  It catches you when you least expect it, when you take a moment to catch your breath, it jumps in.  Putting my own grief on hold was not a mistake, it was a necessity. 

My mistake was made with good intentions so I don't beat myself up. well not too much anyway.  As the saying goes hindsight is 20/20.  Having made the mistake and now recognizing it, I must now attempt to rectify it as best I can.

My kids well-being was utmost in my mind.  Mom's will do anything, I mean anything, to take the pain from their children.....this was my mistake.  I tried to take away the hurt, I tried to make up for their loss, and I ended up making life now harder for me and for my kids.  You see I didn't know at the time that I could NOT take away their grief.  It was theirs and they had to embrace it and wade through it.

It is horrible to see your kids suffer, be in pain, be sad....because of that I took too much away, thus prolonging their difficult times.  I kept us busy, I gave them everything they wanted, if I could.  That is my biggest mistake.  I made them less self reliant, less independent, too dependent on me, allowed them to substitute things for their grief and thus caused their grief to be prolonged.  I am deeply sorry for that.

There are no instruction sheets birthed along with your children, no FAQ's sheet.....every child is different and must be parented in different ways.  I know this.  I have been 'accused' by my children of favoring one or the other of them.  I don't, I simply give differently to each of them.  

We continue to struggle at times, each new loss, grandmothers and grandfathers, compound the grief, opening the wounds and making it all new again.   We struggle, we make mistakes, we travel backward but ultimately we will win.  Perhaps through our lives any loss will seem more intense because of the many losses we've had but we will persevere.  We are strong and we move on eventually.  We make mistakes that have to be rectified.  I must now let my children move into themselves, become independent of me.  I am always here if needed, always willing to help, but must now let them stand on their own two feet.  I hope this is not misconstrued as not caring, of pushing them away from me....it is because I love my children so much that I will move forward and allow them to do so as well.

We make mistakes, we are human, we recognize our mistakes and hopefully we will rectify them as necessary.  I love my children, I hate to see their pain but I must let them move through it, give them tools to survive and refrain from 'fixing' everything..

"Making mistakes is a lot better than not doing anything"

~~Billie Joe Armstrong~~

Day 65 of 365.
Do your best.....K

The Smallest Things

Each day I try to be positive about something.  Some days it's easy, other days not so easy.  Sometimes it just feels as though there is not a single thing to be happy about....I hate those days because, in reality, there is so much to be positive about and thankful for.

 Life has a way of knocking us down at times, taking the wind out of our sails, creating a darkness......there have been times when I didn't believe I would go on, I didn't believe I would smile or be happy.  I am so thankful that I have always gotten back up and moved forward.

What is it that ultimately gets me up and going?  It is the smallest, most seemingly insignificant things that make my heart sing.  Scarlett announced that her name is Scarlett Kathi the other night.  This made me happy in my turmoil.  As I was hugging Scarlett good bye I saw Calvin sitting and waiting in his high chair with his arms open wide for a hug from me and his lips puckered for a kiss good bye.  Oliver watching and smiling.  In that moment in time, my heart was full, I had no room for turmoil or sadness.

Last week was a bad week, there are some difficulties ahead for me.  Some situations that created dark thoughts, situations that seemed impossible presented themselves to me.   My typical way during these bad times is to have a day of being sullen and silent, a day of ranting and lashing out, a day of complaining (I prefer to refer to this as venting).  I should skip the ranting and lashing out and go straight to venting....lashing out does not solve anything, it creates more difficulty.  This is can be a hard lesson.  I was lucky.

The sun will rise despite our problems and the sun will set on our problems.  We have to choose how we will handle our problems and what is important.  Worry takes up too much space and time.  I have to continue learning to let it go.....just realize that the sun will rise and the sun will set, remember the important things and solve the problems in a logical, focused way.

Day 64 of 365

Look for positive & Love the smallest moments......K