Dreaming New Dreams

When we first lose someone that we love with all of our heart, we wonder, how will I get through the day, how will I survive.  At that point in time we move one step at a time, one foot in front of the other....step by step.  I was always able to put one foot on the floor and take a step, one by one.  I had no choice, I had Todd and Maddie to think about, no matter how I felt I did manage to get out of bed, get my feet planted on the floor and take a step....what I wanted to do was pull the blankets over my head, curl myself into the fetal position and cry and cry and cry.

Time will  move on no matter how we are feeling.  There are weeks and months that are a blur to me, days of getting up and going through the motions of living.  I know my heart was full of pain, I didn't believe I would ever lose the pain.  It is terrifying to believe you will always feel pain, that you will not move beyond the paralyzing fear you have.  One day you wake up and your first thought isn't dread and sadness.  The slow healing begins.  How long will it take, there is no answer, it is different for everyone and that is OK.

I have come to realize that letting go of grief takes strength, it is what has to happen.  I don't want to be sad and filled with grief the rest of my life.  I want to live the remainder of my life, I want to laugh, sing, dance, love......Steve of all people would want that.

It seems that moving on is harder than stagnating in grief.  I have repeated over and over that moving on does not mean you have forgotten, it simply means that you have found the strength to remember, to understand that you aren't betraying your loved one but rather honoring them, honoring their life.

So I dream new dreams these days.   I have fought hard, I have stood strong, The past is gone, it is only in my memory, in Jason, Rebecca, Todd and Madolyn's memory.  In Jeff and Chris's memory...we all move forward living and honoring a memory.  I remember the debilitating pain, the staggering sadness but I don't feel it now, for that I am thankful.

Steve was a presence, he was a person of character, a person of strength....I learned from him and because of all that I let go and I move on.  I hold him in my heart, I honor him, I will always have the memories.

Pretty sure Steve is stirring up the great beyond!

Day 114 of 365.
Dream New Dreams.....K