Sabotage

Is it possible that a fear of being too happy causes us to create reasons to be unhappy?  I have come to a conclusion that this is possible and that I have, in fact, done just that on more than one occasion.  Why would a rational person do this.?  It certainly does not make sense.

I asked a friend last night why someone, me, would sabotage happiness.  My friend, always full of wisdom, or "accumulated experience", said that anyone having lost a significant person(s) might fear permanence or feel that during happy events a sense that something will go wrong pervades, that the other shoe will drop. These feelings may cause one to sabotage happiness.  

Though this makes absolutely no sense in the rational mind, it happens.

I know that I have sabotaged my happiness a few times.  I would think that recognizing this would prevent it, it does not.

I am fortunate that I recognized my foolishness in time to prevent creating a huge hole and fresh sadness in my life.

I sometimes believe I should be alone, isolated to preserve my heart and allow it to heal completely.
At what cost I asked myself?  Will being alone, with an aching, healing heart be best?  I have learned that I am happy alone and that is good, but sharing a life with someone is so much more rewarding.  I am thankful that I have come far enough in my journey to rectify and prevent a mistake I would regret.

I am blessed with friends and family I can depend on.  I am blessed, really and truly blessed.  I will work hard to accept the happiness I receive and not destroy it.  Life is short, life is to live, not exist.  I will remember this in dark times.....

                                                           

"Whatever we are waiting for - peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance - it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart."
~~Sarah Ban Breathnach~~

I will accept new happiness with an open and grateful heart.  I will look at the here and now.  I pray that my heart heals and remains whole.  I must trust and live without sabotaging my happiness and hurting those who trust in me.

Day 58 of 365.

Live Fully.....K