Crossroads

I am watching my beautiful baby girl struggle with her grief.  This is, at times, harder than my own grief.  Moms want to fix things and make it OK for our babies.  I cannot fix Maddie's grief.  She has to go through it, on her own.  This is a sad and difficult reality.

I am not going to write about Maddie's feelings, they are hers and hers alone.  It is for her to write about, think about and to feel.  I am writing only about how difficult it is to see her suffer.

Maddie is at a difficult time of life, the time for leaving childhood behind and moving into the adult world.  It is exciting and scary, when you add the losses she has suffered at a young age this exciting time can become overwhelming.  Fear of being left behind, fear of losing more pieces of your life are hard to reconcile, to put in perspective.

I do know my girl will make it, she is strong, she is resilient, she is Maddie....unique, smart, hardworking, beautiful.  She will do what she wants and succeed.  I know this.....I also know that getting there will not be easy.  

The sneaky thing about grief is that it creeps back whenever there is an opening, when you least expect it.  We cannot prevent it, we cannot catch it.  I've said before, grief will have it's way with us.....

This was our last family photo, taken at the Riverbanks Zoo in S.C., our last family vacation, June 2007.  How my babies have grown, how much Steve has missed.....I wish I could make the harsh reality easier, but I cannot, so I stand on the sidelines doing what I can.  I have to preserve the headway I've made, I cannot let myself slip back into the darkness ...... this is a fine line that I must walk with Maddie. 

Steve was a great dad...this is a fact.  He loved Todd and Maddie more than anything in this world.  He will stay with Todd & Maddie forever.

Day 35 of 365.

I wish you Strength & Courage.....K

I love you baby girl....