"Merry Christmas Steve. Our first Christmas without you. I keep hearing about the year of firsts. Our first everything without you. I don't want a year of firsts....why would I?
I'm trying to be ok, but I'm really not. You are gone FOREVER. No matter how much I don't want that to be true it is. Such a helpless, overwhelming feeling. My stomach hurts most of the time and I'm scared I will always be alone ...... I can't imagine anyone else in my life. Who will care when I'm sick? You were such a good caregiver when I was sick, now I can depend on me....I don't like that feeling.
I miss you so much, I feel at loose ends.
I think often of how much you suffered but have to stop myself because it hurts too much. I admire your strength and courage in the face of your mortality.
I have to go to the funeral home today to pick up your ashes. I don't understand any of this any of this.....I don't know which way to turn or what to do next"
I now read these thoughts and remember them.....the good news is I don't feel the depth of the pain anymore. Adversity is a cruel but effective teacher. I have learned so much about myself....I am strong, I am resilient, I am capable, I am a survivor.
Grief is a long and lonely road that must be traveled......IT MUST BE TRAVELED, there is no way around it. Today, tomorrow, a year from now or ten years from now, you will face it head on and you will survive. Will it be easy? Absolutely not.....but there is a glimmer of hope even in the darkest hour. Travel the road.... travel it, feel it, live it, remember it......I have found a new peace, new happiness, a new me and I like the new me.
Day 8 of 365.
Sing out loud....
K
A New Dawn....by Maddie
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete