Where is the Up Button?

Which way is up?  An interesting question that depends on perspective.  I haven't written in a few days because I have been down.  I want to write things that are positive and hopeful but that is not always the way.  Many factors come into play to create a "downness".  My birthday falls on the 1st day of the month that is always difficult for me as once the 1st passes it's February, the sad month, the dark month.   I sail past the 1st, I do love my birth day, it is special, it is why I'm here.  I always celebrate and never bemoan my age....I am 59 which means I am alive.  Many have not reached 59 so for that I am thankful.

  I am sick, I don't do sick well, who does, right?  Perhaps some do....being home sick and alone is sad to me.  We all have to do it from time to time but it is nonetheless sad.  I seek light and happiness always.  I do not want dark and sadness, I search, even in the darkness I have searched.  I do find light and happiness and try to dwell there, it does not always happen though.  Even in happiness there is a sadness.  There is no perfect, is there?

My trip for the past 5+ years has been a search for up.  I think once April arrives with crocuses peeping out of the snow and a freshness in the air I will find up, but will I?  I am not the Pollyanna I seem to be but I believe it is better to act positive when you feel negative, it helps everyone around me and I suppose it helps me too.

I am by nature optimistic.....that is good, I go toward the light, I find the light, I lose the light, I find it again.  I know this about myself.  Life knocks me down, I get up, I do not roll over and play dead, I get up, over & over.  I sound a bit pathetic here, perhaps I am but only for a while.

I wonder, should I post this?  It shows inner struggle, inner conflict, inner turmoil.  Should this be shown?  I am human.  I fear more loss in my life, it is inevitable though, the only solution is losing me, that is not a good solution.  So face it.....yes, each day I face it and most days I win.

So what if today is sad, I will be happy tomorrow or the next day.  I have so much to be thankful for.....and I am.

Day 39 of 365.
Allow sadness, briefly....K